Homer: "Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer."
In a flashback episode to when Bart is born, Homer's trying to figure if Bart would be a good name by making sure it can't be rhymed with anything that can be used to tease the boy: "Bart, Cart, Dart, Eart... Nope, can't see any problem with that!"
Same episode, Homer: "As long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes..."
And in honor of our Football Picking pool, Lisa Simpson (explaining her method for picking winners in NFL games): "Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart, Seattle because they've got something to prove, and the Raiders because they cheat."
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Grampa Simpson: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa Simpson: Flu?
Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency?
Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes. But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
Lou: I went to the McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm...Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, its the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example?
Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese...well I can see the cheese but? Hey, do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based beverages?
Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.'
Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.
Barney- "Homer, hurry up, we're going to be late for English!"
Homer- "Why do I need to learn English? I'm never going to ENGLAND."
Homer- "Animals are crapping in our homes and we're cleaning it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America! That's not even MEXICO."
Homer- "So, does anybody want to guess how I got the money?"
Marge- "I'd have to say drugs too."
Homer- "Close, but you're WAY off."
George Washington- "We had cowards in the Revolution too. We called them Kentuckians."
Homer- "I want to set the record straight. I THOUGHT the cop was a PROSTITUTE."
[After Homer runs over a deer]
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!
Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!