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Biggest Wusses Ever

Guest Juanky

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Guest Juanky

1. James Taylor

Like pro wrestlers, some musicians have cool nicknames: Jerry Lee Lewis is "The Killer" and Jerry Butler was "The Iceman." But James Taylor calls himself "Sweet Baby James." And we know what babies do, right? They cry all the time. Setting morbid boo-hoo-hooing tales of suicidal friends ('Fire and Rain') and visits to a mental institution ('Knockin' Round the Zoo') to lullaby melodies and soft-rocking acoustic guitar in a series of hits starting in 1970, this lanky, genial North Carolinian perfected what Elvis Costello once called "the 'F*** me, I'm sensitive' school" of music. In the soft, caring, unruffled voice of a marriage counselor, he initiated an era of confessional, listen-to-my-troubles singer-songwriters and turned excessive self-examination into a hallmark of the baby-boom generation.


2. Nick Lachey

Granted, if we'd been dumped by Jessica Simpson, we'd probably be pretty bummed, too. But Lachey's new D-I-V-O-R-C-E album wallows in so much misery and self-pity it makes Morrissey sound like the Pussycat Dolls. "There's only so many tears that you can cry," the ex-Newlywed sobs on one track. Let's hope he's right -- for everyone's sake.


3. Dan Fogelberg

Through the '70s and early '80s, the weedy-voiced Fogelberg was the bard of choice for doe-eyed, turtlenecked white guys who were convinced that showing their sensitive side and/or growing a beard would increase their chances of getting laid. And while his sentimental tunes consistently sounded like Poco outtakes, he insisted he was more influenced by classical composers like Tchaikovsky.


4. Boyz II Men

Never mind the quasi-thuggish "z" in their name -- these Philly melismaniacs are about as gangsta as crying in your pillow. Four early-'90s R&B heartthrobs with an image more wholesome than fortified milk, they crooned their way to more than 25 million in sales and set the stage for all the boy bands who followed.


5. Peter Cetera

It's not as though Chicago were exactly hardcore thugs before he became their focal point, but under Cetera's dictatorship they purged their jazzier impulses to concentrate full-bore on self-pitying schmaltz like 'If You Leave Me Now' and 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry.' That was merely a warm-up for a solo career so flaccid that on his Amy Grant duet, 'The Next Time I Fall,' the milquetoast Christian pop balladeer sounds tough by comparison.


6. Kenny G

As the leading perpetrator of the crime against humanity commonly known as "smooth jazz," this pube-headed soprano saxophonist and walking punchline may be the very poster boy of wussiness. Despite sagely preparing himself to spend a lifetime in nerdery by graduating with an accounting degree, this Einstein of the bland instead chose to pursue music -- and has since sold more than 45 million albums of dentist-friendly instrumental pap. Loathed even by other smooth-jazzbos such as purist Pat Metheny, his cover of 'My Heart Will Go On' makes Celine Dion sound like Courtney Love.


7. Rascal Flatts

With their boy-band looks and lyrics saccharine enough to induce comas even in non-diabetics, this chartbusting country trio exemplify New Nashville at its most heavy-handed and least roughneck. "Anything that can be played at a wedding is probably going to be a hit," justifies awesomely monikered lead singer Gary LeVox.


8. Babyface

Ever since his late-'80s ascendance, Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds has sought to take the bump and grind out of R&B and replace it with gentle, easy-listening melodies and Dr. Phil-worthy affirmations. The Barry Manilow-loving songwriter-producer-performer writes about love with the soft-focus banality of a guy born to pen Hallmark cards and sings as if he's trying not to wake his grandma in the next room.


9. Chris Martin

It's not his posh background. It's not that he went to college. It's not that he played field hockey there. It's not his teetotalling or the fact he was a virgin until 22. (OK, it's a little of that.) What really makes Chris Martin so drippy are those needy, apologetic tunes: He begs, he pleads, he crumbles, he crawls, he's lost, he's scared, he's sorry and he misses you. Plus: He plays a girl's instrument.


10. Hilary Duff

Duff was tween-pop's Breck Girl -- a sex- and drug-free sprite best summed up by the name of her next movie character: Sunshine Goodness. Then, when the whole Disney thing got old, she remade herself as a punk by donning black nail varnish and dating one of the Good Charlotte twins. Nancy Spungen she ain't.


The rest of the list:

11- Bary Manilow

12- Graham Nash

13- Belle and Sebastian

14- Cat Stevens

15- Christopher Cross

16- Paul McCartney

17- Metallica

18- Common

19- Bread

20- Garth Brooks

21- Pat Boone

22- Natalie Merchant

23- *NSYNC

24- Donovan

25- Robert Smith


Paragraphs for 11-25 are available here: Source

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Blender loves to make these crappy lists where they pick 23 of the easiest ones to pick (NSync is wussy? Thank you for opening my eyes), and then toss in guys like Paul McCartney and James Taylor to make themselves seem him and detached. All of their lists follow that same formula.

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