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Everything I Needed to Know About Owning a Baseball Team


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By Jim Caple

Page 2


It takes a certain type of owner to fire someone who is probably going to be named manager of the year after keeping a team with a $15 million payroll in the playoff hunt until the final two weeks of the season. Then again, Jeffrey Loria is a special owner. Who else in this day and age would begin a season without a radio contract (as Loria did with the Expos in 2000)?




Fortunately, Loria is offering his years of wisdom and baseball expertise to everyone in a new book: "All I Really Need to Know About Owning a Baseball Team, I Learned in Kindergarten" by Jeffrey Loria.


1. Share everything.


This applies to crayons and finger paint and tinkertoys, but most of all, to baseball revenue. For instance, thanks to the riches of the Yankees, Mets, Dodgers, Red Sox and others, my Marlins received $28 million in revenue sharing this year. We also received $20 million in national broadcasting revenue. We also should receive $10 million from the sale of the Nationals, which is a really sweet deal considering I already sold the exact same franchise to MLB for $120 million! That's $68 million I received from the generosity of others. And I'm paying my players only $15 million! See how good it is to share? That's why I also ask our fans to share in the cost of a new $530 million stadium with a retractable roof.


2. Play fair.


Hey, Cyclops! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Is it that hard to find @#%$ umpires who have the same strike zone for my rookie pitchers as you do for pampered, overpaid veterans like Greg Maddux? Why is it considered all right for you to squeeze the strike zone for rookies? Sure, maybe you'll give them that pitch on the outside corner after they've been in the majors for five or six years, but what good will that do since I'll have traded them to Boston by then? I mean, I know all you @#&% umps are incompetent, but can't you be consistently incompetent?


No, Joe, YOU shut the @% up! I'll yell at who I want!


3. Put things back where you found them.


Either that or Las Vegas.


4. Clean up your own mess.



Kurt SnibbeAnd the best way is to get the city to pitch in and help by building us a new stadium $530 million stadium with a retractable roof that will allow us to generate enough revenues do just that. Many hands make light work. P.S.: Don't be afraid to yell.


5. Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody.


This is very important. For instance, I told Girardi, "I'm sorry Joe, but I'm going to have to go ahead and fire you."


6. Wash your hands before you eat.


And also be sure to wipe the guilt from your hands after another capricious firing of a valuable skipper who will probably be named manager of the year -- you'll sleep better at night. I know I do.


7. Flush.


And flush regularly. Nothing inspires employees to work harder than the constant fear of losing their jobs. That's why I've gone through four managers in just five years. Keeps them on their toes!


8. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.


Which is why we need a $530 million stadium with a retractable roof, 120 luxury suites and concourses wide enough for plenty of concession stands to sell those warm cookies and milk.


9. Live a balanced life.


I balance my life by wearing my owner's cap during the day and my fan's cap during the night. It allows me to vent my frustrations at incompetent umpires. And I don't need any cocky managers telling me to shut up, either.


10. Learn some and think some and draw some and paint and dance and play and work every day.


Painting is not only relaxing, it's lucrative. Well, maybe not for the painters who generally have to die before their work has any value. But certainly for the art dealer who feeds on their talent. Look at me!


11. Take a nap every afternoon.


Five or six hours is reasonable. And if your employees haven't made you more money by the time you wake up, fire them.


12. When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together.


This is crucial. Heavy traffic means a large population base and a large population base means a potential market for relocation. And sticking together means that when your employer wants to yell at an umpire, you don't embarrass him in public by telling him to sit down and shut up.


And finally ?


13. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. We are like that, too.


I try to tell our fans this every day. Teams go down in the standings and they go up in the standings and it has nothing to do with the payroll or the overrated manager. In fact, I won a World Series three years ago.








I found this really funny while I was bored at work. Sorry if its been posted or tucked away in another Loria post.

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I usually associate better writing than this with Page 2 stuff. Still amusing though.

Yeah I agree. I usually love Bill Simmons' page2 stuff. I was just searching for some new Marlins news and found this. Made me chuckle but then again I am about to stab myself in the eye with a number 2 pencil I am so bored at work.



I love this one...


5. Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody.


This is very important. For instance, I told Girardi, "I'm sorry Joe, but I'm going to have to go ahead and fire you."



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