Funnies

[yenta]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very

>>> elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

>>> "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She

>>> responded,

>>> "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

>>> ---------------------

>>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is

>>> the

>>> best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No

>>> peer pressure."

>>> ---------------------

>>> The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

>>> ----------------------------------------------

>>> I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

>>> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't

>>> hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications

>>> that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with

>>> dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

>>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank

>>> God, I still have my driver's license.

>> *********************************************

>>> An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher

>>> she

>>> had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second

>>> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher

>>> exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me

>>> twice a week."

#####################################

>>> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as

>>> sharp as it used to be.

> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

>>> Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

>> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

>>> It's scary when you start making the same noises as your

>>> coffeemaker.

>>> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

>>> These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast

>>> relief."

>> *********************************************************************

>> **************>>

>> Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old

>> because > you stop laughing.

>> ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((>>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

> ----- Original Message -----

> From lyn

> Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 9:07 AM

> Subject: Fwd: Water 'n' wine - AH*

 

> -As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is

> freedom,

> in Water there is bacteria.

>

> In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have

> demonstrated

> that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of ?the year we

> would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -

> bacteria found in feces. ?In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

> However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or

> tequila,

> rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a

> purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

> Remember: Water = Poop, ?????? Wine = Health

>

> Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink

> water

> and be full of sh*t.