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Funny celebrity quotes


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When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar

Bruce Springsteen

 

 

 

Old age isn?t so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier

 

 

 

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

 

 

 

I feel sorry for people who don?t drink. They wake up in the morning and that?s the best they are going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

 

 

 

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can?t remember if it?s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns

 

 

 

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

 

 

 

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender. Kay Ingram

 

 

 

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. David Frost

 

 

 

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Mona Crane

 

 

 

I won?t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ?What I?m going to be if I grow up.? Lenny Bruce

 

 

 

Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: Winston, you?re drunk.

Churchill: Bessie, you?re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

 

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It?s better to be looked over than overlooked. Mae West

 

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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson

 

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Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw

 

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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

 

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I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

 

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I?m not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx

 

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A good sermon should be like a woman?s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. Ronald Knox

 

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Always be sincere, even if you don?t mean it. Harry S. Truman

 

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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

 

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A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. Mark Twain

 

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When I?m good, I?m very, very good, but when I?m bad, I?m better. Mae West

 

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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

 

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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields

 

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I?ve had a wonderful evening - but this wasn?t it. Groucho Marx

 

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I?ve done it thousands of times. Mark Twain

 

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I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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It?s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph

 

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Chanel No. 5. Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed

 

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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

 

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Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.

Carmen Boyle Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996

 

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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Sharon Stone

 

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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you have got it made.

Groucho Marx

 

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There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:

Either you have diarrhea, or you?re eager to meet people who do.

Henry Kissenger former US Secretary of State

 

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My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she?s reading.

Steve Jobs Founder: Apple Computers

 

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According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable

undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other

women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,

men are just grateful.

Robert De Niro

 

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When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Elizabeth Taylor

 

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There?s very little advice in men?s magazines, because men

think, I know what I?m doing. Just show me somebody naked.

Jerry Seinfield

 

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Instead of getting married again, I?m going to find some woman I really don?t like and just give her a house.

Rod Stewart

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