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Original ad:

Wanted - CHILDRENS DVDS

Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up - will take all unwanted DVDs!

From Me to *********@**********.org:

 

Hey there!

 

I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Julia,

 

Here is the full list:

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alladin

Backdoor Creampies 2

Beauty and the Beast

Big Black Threesome

Fantasia

Finally 18 and Legal

The Lion King

Mattress Slaves 3

The Mighty Ducks

Toy Story

Wet Squirters 5

 

Please let me know which ones you want.

 

Thanks,

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Julia,

 

Which titles are inappropriate?

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

I think you know which ones...

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

 

I hope this clears things up.

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

 

You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.

 

Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

 

Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

 

Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

 

Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

 

Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

 

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?

 

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

 

Toy Story 2

James and the Giant Peach

Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

 

Mike

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.

 

From Me to Julia ******:

 

Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

 

From Julia ****** to Me:

 

Go to hell.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Original ad:

New church in need of an LCD projector for our Sunday services. We do not have tax exempt status but the donation should be out of the goodness of your heart.

 

 

 

 

From me to *********@*********.org:

 

Hey there! Are you still looking for a projector?

 

Mike

 

From Maria ******** to Me:

 

Yes.

 

From Me to Maria ********:

 

Well Maria, get ready to completely change the way your churchgoers go to church! What I am offering is a Multimedia Home Theater Projector system by JVC. It projects a beautiful 1920 x 1080 high-definition picture that will show the big game as if it was projected by the eyes of the lord. You can project on a screen as big as 16 feet, which comes in handy for those old folks in the back of the church that are still trying to watch the game. Powered by a 200W UHP lamp, it will be like the image was projected by the blinding light of salvation. Comes with HDMI inputs so you can hook it right up to a hi-def box!

 

Personally, I think it is about goddamn time you guys started showing the game during mass. I can't tell you how many Eagles games I missed as a kid when my parents made me go to church.

 

Let me know if you are interested in this badass projector, or if you want to hear any more specs.

 

Mike

 

From Maria ******** to Me:

 

The projector is not for football. We need to project our morning worship service to our silent room for people with infants.

 

Are you donating this projector?

 

From Me to Maria ********:

 

No, this isn't exactly a donation. Who are you kidding, though? You guys don't even have tax exempt status. Why would anyone donate?

 

Don't worry. I have come up with a plan that will have this projector in your church in no time. I am asking for $2500 for the projector. This should be very easy to pay off if you use the collection money for mass this Sunday. I have to imagine you guys pull in at least that much each service. When people find out you will be showing the games, I bet you will draw in an even larger audience, and more donations. This projector will practically pay for itself almost immediately.

 

From all the money you will be raking in, I believe it can help turn your church into something awesome. I am also offering a 1000 watt surround sound system that you can install in the church. Every play will be heard in deafening sound as if it was told from the lord. Your churchgoers will feel like they are actually at the game!

 

If that isn't enough, you can use the new found collection money to replace all of your benches with leather recliners. The possibilities are endless. We can even install some kegs at the front of the church.

 

Thou shall not pass up on this HD projector and sound system!

 

Mike

 

From Maria ******** to Me:

 

Shame on you for expecting me to abuse the church collections. Mass is a time to celebrate the divine sacrifice, not football. The thought of abusing the collections for such a purpose is disgusting and downright offensive. We will not be needing a projector from you, thank you.

 

From Me to Maria ********:

 

I wouldn't consider it "abusing" the collections. I would consider it a small investment to boost donations in the long run. You will get a sh*tload more donations if people knew it was going for a good cause, like a HD projector and recliners for the games on Sunday. I would much rather donate for that instead of having my donation money used in an out-of-court settlement for a child molestation lawsuit.

 

From Maria ******** to Me:

 

How dare you! You've got some nerve. This conversation is over.

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