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Lawyer Joke


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At the height of a highly publicized political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney lashed out at a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

 

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

 

The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

 

The witness still did not respond.

 

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

 

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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Lawyer Jokes

 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

 

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.

 

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

 

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

 

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the Paper?

 

What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.

 

What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

 

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.

 

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.

 

What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.

 

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

 

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

 

What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

 

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

 

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

 

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

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God and Satan Discuss Problems

 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

 

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

 

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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