Heritageman

The Interview I'd Like to See CROCKS NEWS REPORTER: We're talking today to Richard Schlesinger, crack news reporter for CBS Evening News. Thank you for joining us. SCHLESINGER: Happy to be here. Like my hair? CROCKS NEWS: Well, actually I wanted to talk to you about something more important than hair. You see, this is a news report. SCHLESINGER: NEWS? Can't you find something better to fill this time slot? CROCKS NEWS: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about the recent charge of another act of irresponsible reporting at CBS. SCHLESINGER: Oh, we don't do that anymore. We got rid of that guy?Dan what'sisname, that was causing all those problems. CROCKS NEWS: So you dispute the charge that your report last week on the Purple Heart story was an example of irresponsible journalism? SCHLESINGER: Where'd you hear that? CROCKS NEWS: It's out there on the Internet. SCHLESINGER: Yeah, but everybody knows you can't believe anything on the Internet. CROCKS NEWS: But CBS also posts to the Internet. SCHLESINGER: Yes, but nobody takes our reporting seriously anyway, so who cares if we put it on the air or on the Internet. CROCKS NEWS: Well, Doug Sterner says you "blind-sided" him last week with an unresearched and erroneous report. SCHLESINGER: Is that what this is about. My goodness, Doug Sterner is just an ordinary guy out there in Colorado. He's not rich, he's not famous?and heck, he doesn't even have good hair or a major television network to back him up. I'll squash him like a bug. CROCKS NEWS: Well, that's not why I wanted to interview you. I just wanted to get both sides of the story. SCHLESINGER: Since when did a story have two sides? CROCKS NEWS: Mr. Schlesinger, in other words, I want to get the facts. SCHLESINGER: The what? CROCKS NEWS: The FACTS. SCHLESINGER: Oh, I have one of those on the desk in my office. Pretty handy for faxing jokes and pictures to my friends. CROCKS NEWS: Well, Mr. Schlesinger, Mr. Sterner claims that you misrepresented the Stolen Valor Act, took a cheap shot at his Congressman, and wrapped up by smirking and trying to make him look like a hypocrite for having advertising in his website where people could buy a Purple Heart. SCHLESINGER: Well, I was on that website?in front of a national audience?and there was an ad for people to buy a Purple Heart. CROCKS NEWS: So does that make Mr. Sterner a hypocrite? SCHLESINGER: I ration my smirks. They are reserved only for a good cause. I thought this was a good one. Mr. Sterner is promoting a bill to stop other people from selling medals, and there is an ad in his website to buy a Purple Heart. CROCKS NEWS: So the Stolen Valor Act, or H.R. 3352, is a law that is being proposed to halt the sale of Purple Hearts? SCHLESINGER: Uhhh?.I think so. CROCKS NEWS: You THINK so? Didn't you read the bill? SCHLESINGER: Hell no! I read the NEWS! That's my job. Why should I care what the bill says. CROCKS NEWS: Well, did any of your staff read the bill to find out what it was about before you reported on it? SCHLESINGER: One of my top researchers was supposed to do that. I think she said the language was a little confusing. You know how that legalese can be. CROCKS NEWS: So did you have someone call the Congressman to find out what the bill was all about? SCHLESINGER: No. That's too much work. Besides, then I'd have had to say: "According to one source interviewed today by CBS News," and you know how much trouble we've been having with our sources. CROCKS NEWS: Yes, but this would have been a pretty reliable source. We're talking about a United States Congressman. SCHLESINGER: Yeah, but you know how I hate talking to those damn conservatives. Never can get a straight answer from them. CROCKS NEWS: But Congressman Salazar is a Democrat. SCHLESINGER: He is? CROCKS NEWS: Yes. You mean you didn't even research that? SCHLESINGER: Too much work. The guy is running around trying to pass some bill to honor our military men and women. That's a sure tip-off he's a conservative. CROCKS NEWS: Don't you think that's a little too stereotypical? I mean, after all, Senator Inouye is the only Medal of Honor recipient in either house, and he's a Democrat. Joseph Kennedy earned the Navy Cross in WWII; and the Purple Heart by the way. Of course, he never got to see them. He was killed. And his brother, the former President, earned the Navy/Marine Corps Medal. SCHLESINGER: Yeah, I guess there are one or two wayward Democrats who tend toward the flag-waving, teary-eyed Star Spangled Banner crowd. CROCKS NEWS: According to my sources?ooops, I know you hate the sound of that, since your report aired last Tuesday, FORTY-THREE Democratic members signed on to this bill as co-sponsors. SCHLESINGER: See, there you go, quoting sources. Take it from CBS News, don't quote sources. They'll burn you every time. CROCKS NEWS: But this source is the U.S. House of Representatives. According to the House, forty-three Democrats believe it is important to protect the honor of our veterans. SCHLESINGER: And who, pray tell, in the US House told you that? Some dopy eyed L.A. who couldn't tell a liberal from a conservative? CROCKS NEWS: No, it's posted on the Official House website. SCHLESINGER: Well, there you go. Like I said, you can't trust anything on the Internet. CROCKS NEWS: Don't you think maybe you SHOULD read the bill? Maybe you were wrong. SCHLESINGER: Well, if forty-three Democrats are supporting it, I must admit it must be a pretty good bill?even if it sounds like some right-wing, flag-hugging, soldier-supporting Republican wrote it. CROCKS NEWS: Well, three Republican Congressman have also signed on. SCHLESINGER: Only three Republicans? Gee, it must be a pretty good bill. Oh, and by the way, don't go believing that crap about a liberal bias at CBS. CROCKS NEWS: Right. "Fair and Balanced" SCHLESINGER: GOD NO! That's some other network. We're CBS! CROCKS NEWS: Okay, anyway, you've clarified things by telling us you didn't read the bill before you reported on it, or contact the Congressman for any clarifications. It's therefore quite understandable that your report was in error. SCHLESINGER: Yes, and by god if the damn right-wing tries to stop this bill I'm going after them. How dare Republicans stand in the way of a bill to protect the integrity of our military awards when we've got forty-three patriotic, dedicated Dems out there trying to make this right. I mean, after all, Dan Rather was a Marine?twice. CROCKS NEWS: According to author B.G. Burkett he was in the Army reserve, and then joined the Marines. SCHLESINGER: There you go, splitting hairs on me. Dan Rather was proud of his service as a U.S. Marine. CROCKS NEWS: Yes?he made that clear in the air. He was very proud of all four months of Marine Corps active duty service. SCHLESINGER: I'm sure he wanted to stay longer. Too bad he flunked the physical tests. Who knows, with his talent, he might have risen to Commandant! But at least he is a proud Marine. Who says you have to complete boot camp to wear the Eagle, Globe and Anchor! And I hope this bill that Congressman?what's is name?you know, the Democrat---introduced passes so we can put an end to all these other phonies out there claiming to be Marines but who weren't. CROCKS NEWS: Let's get back to Mr. Sterner's other complaint. SCHLESINGER: Sterner? Now who's that? CROCKS NEWS: The guy whose website you showed on your program. SCHLESINGER: Oh yeah, the one who commercializes his website by running ads to pay the bills?.By the way, did you catch the smirk? Normally I ration them, like I said, for a network broadcast. Hope YOUR cameraman got it from a good angle. CROCKS NEWS: So you object to selling advertising to keep a website online? SCHLESINGER: You better believe it. CROCKS NEWS: So we can expect you to pulling in all the ads that run on CBS Evening News and on your website? SCHLESINGER: Hell no! Without those advertisers, we'd go broke. Besides, it's the one thing that keeps our viewers coming back to CBS! Some of those ads are great entertainment. CROCKS NEWS: Then why did you object to Mr. Sterner's ads for the sale of Purple Hearts? SCHLESINGER: Because the man's a hypocrite. He's getting all upset over the sale of Purple Hearts, and then he has an ad in his website offering them for sale. CROCKS NEWS: Mr. Sterner objects to the sale of Purple Hearts? SCHLESINGER: I think so. CROCKS NEWS: You THINK so? Didn't you call him to ask? SCHLESINGER: Here at CBS we spell "research" with a "w". CROCKS NEWS: Spell research with a "w"? SCHLESINGER: Yes. We spell it "work". CROCKS NEWS: Most journalists would call that responsible journalism. SCHLESINGER: Give me a break. I thought everyone knew we don't believe in that here at CBS. CROCKS NEWS: Well, I'm sorry. I did call Mr. Sterner. He tells me not only is he all for a free market for Purple Hearts and other military awards, he encourages families to buy them to make shadow boxes to the veterans in their family. SCHLESINGER: Must be nice to have the money for all those phone calls. With all the problems here, we're in kind of a budget crunch. Had to cut back on the money we spend on calls, faxes, etc. Of course, it helped that we got rid of a bunch of dead weight people too. But still, things are a little tight here for making a lot of calls to back up our stories. CROCKS NEWS: Geez. I hope it didn't hurt you personally too. SCHLESINGER: No way! I'm still the crack CBS reporter. My smirk is worth every one of the hundreds of thousands of dollars I make for finding a good angle on a story. CROCKS NEWS: But see, that is Mr. Sterner's complaint. He says you looked for an angle for a story, and then ran with it without getting the truth. SCHLESINGER: Sounds like some right-wing nut case to me! A nut case selling ads to people who sell Purple Hearts. CROCKS NEWS: Mr. Sterner told me that it is not the SALE that he is concerned with. His only concern is that if someone buys any medal, that they understand that they are prohibited from claiming they EARNED it if they did not. That's why he is so defensive of the Stolen Valor Act and is promoting it so vigorously. SCHLESINGER: Good bill too. Forty-three Democrats can't be wrong! CROCKS NEWS: Don't forget the three Republicans, and Mr. Sterner tells me he is sure there will be many more signing on in the coming weeks. SCHLESINGER: Damn! Why does the GOP have to meddle in this thing? God forbid that the right and left should agree on anything. CROCKS NEWS: Mr. Sterner tells me that he believes that "Patriotism, and rendering honor to the men and women who have served, or who are serving now, is not a Democrat, Republican, or Independent ideal?it's an American ideal." SCHLESINGER: Well, it sure as hell isn't a CBS ideal. CROCKS NEWS: At last we've found something even you and Mr. Sterner can agree on. The CROCKS NEWS CHANNEL is your (make-believe) source for a satirical look at the bumbling attempts at journalism that distort the truth, misquote sources, and in general make journalists more contemptible than lawyers. FOR MORE ON THE STOLEN VALOR ACT: www.homeofheroes.com/herobill