children

> Subject: Want to know why I have no kids, I failed this test.

>

>

> To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience,

we suggest

> you take this set of simple tests...

>

> PART I

> MESS TEST:

> Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands

in the wet

> flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish

> stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

>

> TOY TEST:

> Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available,

you may

> substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend

spread them all

> over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom

or kitchen.

> Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

>

>

> GROCERY STORE TEST:

> Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them

with you as

> you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay

for

> anything they eat or damage.

>

> DRESSING TEST:

> Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net

bag making

> sure that all arms stay inside.

>

> PART II

> FEEDING TEST:

> Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.

Suspend from the

> ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert

spoonfuls

> of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth

of the jug

> while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the

jug on the

> floor.

>

> NIGHT TEST:

> Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12

pounds of

> sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and

hum with

> the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for

10:00 PM.

> Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever

heard. Make up

> about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm

for 5:00 AM.

> Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look

cheerful.

>

> PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):

> Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your

clothes.

> Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

>

> PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

> Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.

Ask the clerk

> to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to

the head

> office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to

the store.

> Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last

time.

>

> FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

> Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on

how they can

> improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training,

and child's

> table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to

them that

> they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this

experience.

> It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

>