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Headlines From The Year 2054


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Headlines In The Year 2054




Do not be surprised if you see any of these fifty years from now:


Civil War Erupts In America Between Cyborgs and Normals


"After a string of technological advances where we have been able to biologically and mechanically enhance our bodies in order to increase the standard of living the poor and immigrant population without it have started to violently attack the homes of many innocent citizens in their suburban homes, because of their economic inferiority. The latest research suggests this is a result of worse test grades in the urban areas leading to a perpetuation of ignorance, smaller wages, and therefore an inability to attain equal strength and intelligence that is readily available because of cybornetic upgrades."




Fourteen Year Baseball Strike Sends Major League Baseball to China


"Ever since a long season of bargaining between the player's union and the owners culminated in a meteorite collision in Wrigley field, preventing yet another Cubs National League Pennant, baseball has been missed by the American population who is starting to grow bored of Soccer and Football. However, no longer will Americans be able to watch their sport, because it has become unprofitable for the owners to deliver their product: the great American game. In result, every team in the MLB has moved their operations to China, where players are much cheaper. Games will still be aired via SUPER MEDGA REALLY HIGH DEFINITION Television, or SMRHDTV. However, players such as Jorge Posada the VI, seven different Rodriguezes, and all time hitting great Ivan Zukov (who fourteen years ago had 1,798 career homers in a 21 year career) will never play the sport again."




Scientists Confirm That The World Is Heading Towards Another Ice Age


"After record breaking cold killed thousands in France, Canada, Russia, and even Iraq, scientists, after analyzing the last 35 years of surface land temperature and radioisodine data have concluded that the world is heading towards another Ice Age. The scientific consensus confirms that the models showing about a negative 11 degrees Celsius change in global climate (roughly 1.1 degrees Celsius a decade) will occur within the next 100 years. Even though weather baloons, other radioisodine measurements, and satellite data have shown no remarkable change in global climate, the World's Governments believe in the current scientific consensus and have moved to sign the Nagasaki Treaty. The Treaty calls for the World's governments to increase CO2 production, even though burning fossil fuels is far more expensive than using cold fusion. Furthermore, there are plans for creating a massive bonfire in order to warm the Earth, at the cost of burning the entire Afghan forest into the ground."




America Bombs Zaire Beause of Fear That "The Next Hitler" Might Be Born There


"After a Univeristy of Baghdad study confirmed that statistically one out of every seven billion people as evil as Hitler rise to power every twenty years, America moved to make sure that such a tyrant cannot take over Zaire. After ignoring requests from the UN not to unilaterally bomb another country, the slight chance of another Hitler able to get as powerful and kill as many people was too much for President Jorge Arbusto to ignore. As he pushed through legislation to increase tax cuts, government bureaucracy, and military spending two fold, the most powerful military on Earth pummled the near defenseless Zaire. After over a year, 'The Next Hitler' was not found, but Arbusto says that, 'I really thought he was there, my heart was in the right place and at least we took out one of the world's many tyrants.'"




Physicists Confirm That The Universe Came From Nothing


"After proving that there have been three 'big bangs' and three massive 'totally massive universal collapses', a rather long name devised by leading physicist Albert Heisenberg, there is no indication there has been an infite series of such bangs or collapses. After devising the "Supreme Equation", or Mass=Energy, they determined the universe simply came from absolutely nothing."




Dow Jones Tops Eight Billion


"Politicians say this bull market is never going to stop, which is contrary to what they said three years ago, when it was beleived the bear market was never going to end."




New Super Diet Grips Nation


"Americans have started to eat nothing but confectioner's sugar and because of malnutrition, have watched themselves shed all of those unwanted pounds. Now every product is trying to get the favor of these fad dieters: Extra Sugar Beer, Extra Sugar Diet Soda, Extra Sugar Total Cereal, and Extra Sugar Beef."




New Study Indicates Society Is Dumber Than Ever and They Are Damn Proud


"Test grades in America are the lowest they have ever been, the quality of education in even the most extensive academic levels has been curtailed by national mandated high stakes testing, and the result is an more ignorant, but happy society. 'Ignorance is bliss' might be the mantra for today's people, because knowing about the issues, studying them, and actually trying to work hard and expand one's mind takes a lot of time and is worrisome. Who wants that? Eighty four percent of the population says that they do not."


As Income Tax Hits 100% In Every Income Bracket But Super Wealthy, Every Citizen Works For The Government and or On Welfare says Department of Labor


"In other news, the Department of Labor is optimistic that increased corporate tax cuts will lead to economic growth and more jobs."



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Guest Moneyball





How about:


"Marlins win 27th World title"


The Miami Marlins last night clinched there 27th world title last night in front of 100,000 at Marlinfan Field, with a 1-0 victory over the Las Vegas Bankees. They now become the all-time titles leader in sports, passing the now defunct New York Yankees. 133 year old manager Jack McKeon became the oldest manager to win the World Series. Marlins pitcher Josh Beckett III pitched 15 innings and gave up only 3 hits while striking out 22. The Marlins lone run came in the bottom of the fifteenth when Gheoff Canine hit a 650 foot shot onto Marlin Avenue where 50,000 were cheering.

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