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Detroit Preemptively Burned Down


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Detroit Preemptively Burned Down by City Officials

 

From Sportspickle

 

 

The City of Detroit was burned to the ground Monday afternoon in a preemptive action by city officials.

 

?We knew that when the Pistons win the NBA championship this week people will riot and set the city on fire, just like people always do here,? said Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. ?Being that it?s a foregone conclusion the city will burn, we wanted it to be a controlled burn so nobody would get hurt and we could easily extinguish it.?

 

Kilpatrick had members of the Pistons organization light a ceremonial flame outside City Hall Monday as tens of thousands of city resident watched. City officials then burned their offices to the ground before providing onlookers with torches of their own to spread out across the city and set it aflame. A ceremonial car flipping was also conducted during the lighting ceremony.

 

?This is a wonderful opportunity for the people of Detroit to come together and achieve something as a community,? said Mary Davis, Detroit City Council President, as she ran from a group of young men who tried to set her on fire. ?A lot of people have a bad impression of Detroit, but you won?t find a city in the country that can riot or set things on fire better.?

 

More than 85 percent of downtown Detroit was on fire by the close of riot festivities Monday evening, when city fire workers began extinguishing the flames per their plans.

 

?This was a really positive day,? said Mayor Kilpatrick. ?If you?ve ever been to downtown Detroit you?ll see what I mean. There?s not much that?s not worth not burning. Now we?ll be able to start from scratch and hopefully rebuild something decent.?

 

Detroit police say they hope the preemptive burning will be enough to quench the city?s thirst for fire and destruction. ?This was a bit of a gamble,? said Derrick Rogers, DPD Police Chief. ?When the Pistons clinch the title, what happens if they want to burn more? There?s nothing left to burn. What if today wasn?t enough for them.?

 

The controlled burn comes one week after ABC comedian Jimmy Kimmel enraged Detroiters with a joke about the city?s proclivity to post-championship rioting. ?What he said upset a lot of people,? said Mayor Kilpatrick. ?But it really raised our awareness of the problem and that?s when the idea of a preemptive burning was discussed. We figured we should head off the destruction if at all possible. And we think we?ve done that.?

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