Dumb and Dumber Vick Style

Dumb and Dumber

(The P.J. Screenplay is a new feature which will appear on most Tuesdays. Enjoy?)

FADE IN:

SUBTITLED: ?Somewhere in Virginia - 2010″

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

MARCUS and MICHAEL VICK are sitting inside their modest crib ? money now is a thang and ain?t what it used to be. There?s a crappy homemade sign on the wall: ?WELCOME HOME MIKE?

Marcus looks about 40 pounds heavier than the last time we saw him play, which was back in 2006 in a Miami Dolphins uni. He has a YOUNG GIRL sitting on his lap and he?s wearing an electronic ankle bracelet. The girl is drinking Boone?s, a surefire sign she?s still in high school. He smokes a blunt, gives the girl a hit and then passes it to?

Michael, who takes a hit. He still appears to be in pretty decent shape, but he?s scruffier and bling free now. He is also wearing an electronic monitoring device on his ankle. He passes the blunt back to his little brother. They continue to pass back and forth throughout?

MARCUS

What the f*** we gonna do now, man? We ain?t been

this broke? since you started gettin? those booster

checks your sophomore year of high school.

MICHAEL

We?ll be aight. I just got out. Gimme some time.

MARCUS

Didn?t you have all the time in the world to think

about this sh*t inside?

MICHAEL

Yeah.

MARCUS

So what? CFL?

MICHAEL

No, dumbass. Neither of us can leave the country.

MARCUS

Canada?s a different country?

MICHAEL

Yes, and we can?t even leave the county. Besides,

they said they learned their lesson back when

they brought in Ricky Williams that second time.

MARCUS

What about that Mark Cuban league?

MICHAEL

The UFL? Nope. They told me that they?d be interested,

but they already have Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and

The 7th Floor Crew.

MARCUS

Arena League? I?d be good at that sh*t.

MICHAEL

Look at you. You?re slower than Mike Williams now.

MARCUS

Naw, I?d be better than Chad Johnson, Jerry Rice

and Terrell Owens.

MICHAEL

Doesn?t matter ? Goodell got Elway to convince the

AFL to ban us, too.

MARCUS

Me?

MICHAEL

Yep.

MARCUS

Man, this is all your fault.

MICHAEL

My fault?

MARCUS

You?re the one who ruined our chances of

playing in the NFL, aren?t ?

MICHAEL

My chances ? yes. Your chances ? no.

I think the cleat stomp, 2,700 traffic violations

and 12 charges of statutory rape did that.

MARCUS

Them girls was lyin?!

MICHAEL

C?mon, man, that girl on your lap is

like only 15.

MARCUS

She turned 18 yesterday? And at least I been

gettin? girls!

MICHAEL

You gonna keep talking sh*t, or you still want me

to help your broke ass?

MARCUS

I?m just playin?, baby. We?re in this together.

What about Puerto Rico? Nice weather, hot mamis,

different country, cock fightin? ? you?d be good at that?

What?s ?Bad Newz Cages? in Spanish?

MICHAEL

Puerto Rico?s a U.S. territory, idiot.

MARCUS

When?d you get so smart.

MICHAEL

I read alot in the joint.

MARCUS

Books?

MICHAEL

Yes, Marcus.

MARCUS

So, you?re smart and sh*t now. Like

James Bond, but a better scrambler? We can go

to another country. Run away and hide for good.

MICHAEL

Look at you, Cedric The Entertainer. You couldn?t

out run Grady Jackson right now.

MARCUS

Who?

MICHAEL

Gilbert Brown. Hey, got an idea ?

Vince McMahon.

MARCUS

The Star Search guy? Thought he died.

MICHAEL

Not, Ed, you retard. The WWE dude.

MARCUS

Wrestling?

MICHAEL

Yep, they?ll take anybody. Even convicted

animal torturers with dumbshit brothers and VD.

MARCUS

I?m in? I?m gonna go get this

chick to bang me and eight of my boys.

MICHAEL

Cool? Hey, you got any of that Valtrex left?

MARCUS

Shhhh!

MICHAEL

Uh, I meant mine. I?m dyin?. Stopped using it

while I was inacerated.

MARCUS

Where?s Carson? And why wouldn?t you ?

MICHAEL

In jail, moron. And herpes is like rape repellent

in the can.

MARCUS

Let me go look. C?mon, baby.

Marcus and the girl get up and walk into the bedroom.

Michael pulls out his cell phone and makes a call.

MAN

(Off Screen)

Hello?

MICHAEL

Vince McMahon? Hello? hello?

An empty dial tone can be heard.