Aaron Boone Tears ACL While Playing Basketball (from Corey http://www.xanga.com/coreycorner)

 

 

 

Here's a story of a man named Aaron Boone. He was a simple man with a dream job, a hot wife, tons of friends and family, and nothing could go wrong for him until some tragic event took his great life away from him. (Just like in The 6th Day, Collateral Damage, Total Recall, and possibly several other Schwarzenegger movies.) Well, instead of a clone, terrorist attack, or nightmare happening to him, Aaron Boone violated his 5.75 million dollar contract with the New York Yankees because he felt like playing basketball. What the f***? The dude had everything. Now the Yankees have to go through many choices and possibilities on who will become the next Yankees' third baseman.

 

Possibility #1: Get a guy via trade

 

 

Well, the problem is that there is no one available. Or anyone the Yankees can get without giving up Alfonso Soriano or a combination of Jorge DePaula, Dioneer Navarro, Robinson Cano, Eric Duncan, and Danny Borrell you know, the only Yankee prospects that exist. (Which happens to be 4 more prospects than Boston) So, the Yanks either get bled to death for Corey Koskie, or they take on an partially eaten big contract from some washed up third baseman. Of course Edgardo Alfonzo always has off years then bats .300 the next, but people think he's done. How about David Bell? Sure he is overrated but if Philidelphia eats 3/4 of his contract, we may be getting ripped off still but he can play some D. How about Jeff Cirillo? Can he be the next Scott Brosius? I'm sure San Diego doesn't need three third basemen, he is going somewhere before Spring Training ends unless he bounces back to Cirillo of old. Of course if the Yankees trade for someone, they'll let themselves get ripped off for Adrian Beltre or Troy Glaus. The trade route looks kinda meager, lets see some other possibilities.

 

Possibility #2: Use technology to bring Boone back.

 

Well, how can the Yankees bring Boone back? Since we all know that Steinbrenner is an evil genius, well, just evil, he probably can just clone Aaron Boone back and he'll be better than ever. Just think of it, the Yankees can bring Aaron Boone to Repet, Clones-R-Us, U-Bring-Em-We-Clone-Em, that planet in Star Wars II, or impregnate his wife with another Aaron Boone. (Which may take a very long time). Just, Steinbrenner has to remember to use Aaron Boone's early 2003 Syncord, you know, at the time Boone still knew how to hit. Since, every Yankee fan secretly wanted Boone off the team because he sucked so badly, maybe replacing Aaron Boone with a clone isn't such a great idea after all. If only we can kidnap his brother and claim it's him, all white guys look the same don't they?

 

Possibility #3: Get an SS and move Derek Jeter to third base.

 

Oh, poor Jeter, he has to move! We all know how overrated he is by reputation, and how underrated he is by range factor (go figure), so he should become a third baseman. But, what SSes are available? How about A-Rod? Imagine two big egos on one side of the infield! Well, since Texas would be retarded and want big prospects for a salary they cannot dump, how about signing Mike Bordick? He may very well be the best defensive short stop in history, better than Ozzie and Omar and no one will care or notice! Well, Bordick did suck in his only stint in New York with the Mets, but he'll hit as well as Boone (f***ing horrible) but he can play defense really well, possibly better than A-Rod. How about Omar Vizquel? He just failed his physical, but his injury proneness means that his destiny is to wear pinstripes. Vizquel may only bat .275 and have no OBP, but he'll probably get more clutch hits than 1-8 in the lineup combined, unless Ruben Sierra somehow gets there.

 

Possibility #4: Replace Aaron Boone with a cybernetic organism

 

What better way to upgrade your third baseman than to replace him with a cyborg? Well, people may think that Aaron Boone gaining 500 pounds from offseason conditioning may seem downright impossible, but come on, no one takes steroids in baseball right? Baseball is completely innocent! Now, the Yankees can get this cyborg and watch it kick some ass. But, since Skynet seems pretty inactive right now, I guess attaining a cyborg isn't in the Yankees' plans.

 

Possibility #5: Use a f***ing minor leaguer

 

About time. What will Joe Torre do when he has to put a minor leaguer in the lineup? First he may do some self mutilation, then he'll b***h about it to his schizophrenic fantasies, (the imaginary friends who tell Torre to pinch run Giambi in the 7th inning and to never use certain relievers and overuse others), and possibly complain with his new buddy Ruben Sierra (once mortal enemy), then Torre will realize, he'd rather not use Enrique Wilson or Miguel Cairo. Anyways, who can the Yankees use? We have Erick Almonte, how about Andy Phillips? (He used to be a Soriano like prospect in AA who couldn't play D, now I hear he is a glove man who can't hit. Shucks) How about Drew Henson? Imagine how many blooper reels he'd be on. No matter who we use, they'll become GREAT defensively because of the ultra accurate Range Factor. Since we have a groundball pitching staff (starters, relivers, and closer) they will have these really great range factors. Sabremetrics is all powerful and all accurate right? I mean, that Billy Beane guy uses it and look at how many pennants the Athletics won! Anyway, this is the best option. Use a minor leaguer, get him to bat .270. After that over-hype him and trade him for something useful. Everyone will then think the Yankees are stupid but then they will figure, hey, this guy sucks.

 

Now, in my personal opinion Aaron Boone f***ed himself up taking steroids before his walk year. (Contract year) Any little thing was able to hurt him and it did. He tore an ACL while playing recreational basketball, and it isn't like the dude can slam dunk or anything. So, Boone's tenure with the Yankees is over and the Claussen trade looks extremely stupid now. People think he is hot s*** for hitting that homerun against Wakefield in game 7. But people forget he was put in the game as a DEFENSIVE REPLACEMENT. Enrique Wilson was trusted as a hitter, well by an insane man over Aaron Boone. Aaron Boone sucks, and since Adrian Beltre will not be back in blue next year, look for the Dodgers to get another "crappy brother", you watch.

 

Lastly, look at this latest pic of Bonds. Jesus, has his head doubled in width? Gotta love the offseason, also we can possibly see what a 200 lb Alfonso Soriano looks like in no time.

 

 

Also if you are wondering who Aaron Boone's wife is, she is some former playmate. http://tour.mystique-magazine.com/Laura_Cover.html

 

Editor's Note: Boone's wife is very hot, Barry definitely found another designer steroid, and Boone probably was juicing too that he got hurt playing a simple game. Then again, I am probably going to tear MY ACL picking up a penny tommorrow.

of course his head looks huge because they made the picture wider than it is tall.

it is unwidened. go to the san fransisco giants website...look at the fILA logo.