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All Of Baseball Is On Steroids

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All Of Baseball Is On Steroids


It has become painfully clear that baseball players are taking performance enhancing steroids and more than the initial estimation of 0.0001%, those players being Jose Canseco and Ken Caminiti. Investigation has revealed that all estimates have been up to this point wrong. San Diego pitcher David Wells said 40% of baseball's players are on steroids while outfielder/DH/steroidphile Jose Canseco puts the percentage at 80. Both have been proven wrong, because today the ATF, FBI, CIA, Department of Homeland Securtiy, Giotto Crime Family's personal investigation, and the Selig Crime Family's personal investigation have put the number at 111.465%, with an chance for error at plus or minus 16%.


Among the suspected players are 90 pound weaklings Shawn Green and Randy Velarde, 88 year old senile senior citizens Benito Santiago and Julio Franco, and 350 pound of muscle greek Gods Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Barry Bonds, and Mo Vaughn. Jason Giambi made no comment with the press and neither did Barry Bonds, but Bonds was overheard saying the following:


"I am the most wanted man in America. Black power! They are after me, because I'm a charming black brother and a white man cannot stand to see a sophisticated black man attain something with his own merit! If I were white, there would be no controversy! None whatsoever! Turk Wendell, John Smoltz, ESPN, and Colin Powell are all racist of blacks, because they are questioning me! They just can't stand the class, I'm just too classy! I might as well bust a cap in their asses, damn bitches."


Bonds at Spring Training

Sheffield Between Innings

Giambi in locker room


Gary Sheffield gave an interview, but he denied using any performance enhancing drugs. When asked if all evidence pointed towards him lying, that evidence being his trainer saying he gave him steroids, the pieces of mail he sent to Balco, a picture of him injecting next to friend Barry Bonds, or the following just recently found in his locker, Gary said:



"What the hell are ya talkin' 'bout? They jus' 'ill keep on askin' me the same thing ovuh and ovuh and there's nothin' more I gots to say. Test me, that's all I gots to say."


All reports have indicated that steroid use is higher than the human component in the game. The numbers are so high, because not only is every player on steroids, but so are the baseballs. An anonymous baseball told the press, "With hitters taking steroids and pitchers taking steroids, the only thing that we can do to help our performance is to take steroids. We all come from China, there are not any regulations there. Steroids are cheap and they are widespread." Corked bats and illegal knuckle ball catcher mitts have also come forward to admit their illegal steroid use.


Selig said, "This is unacceptable. The only thing we can do now is make sure we make it that players face penalties when they test postive for steroids not after their 47th time, but their 44th time! We have to crack down on this dangerous new trend."


The question now is whether the player association will accept such drastic measures. Players union head Tom Glavine said, "We cannot act hasty. These men are innocent until proven guilty. What if the tests were wrong 44 times? Should we then give reason to question the integrity of such fine athletes? The union cannot accept knee jerk actions."


Meanwhile, former Balco underground chemists decided that they should get back to their nutritional roots and have opened up a new legitimate business that sells vitamins and minerals. Called Sterminerals, they claim to have a "secret" combination that unlocks the body's hidden potential. Already, many famous ball players have become it's most loyal customers. As Mets second baseman Jose Reyes said, "Hey, with all of these steroids, we got to make sure we put our health first. These vitamins are essentials!"


Meanwhile, the American public is saddened by the turn their national passtime has taken. John Q. Dumass, an average joe, said it best: "I yearn for a clean baseball, like it was in 1999. But those days are over. I guess we have to watch professional weight lifting, the NFL, and the Olympics now."


What a sad time for baseball.



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