Classic SNL

[MVPosey]

February 12th, 1994

Canteen Boy And The Scoutmaster

 

Scout Master.....Alec Baldwin

Canteen Boy.....Adam Sandler

Boy scout #1.....Chris Farley

Boy scout #2.....David Spade

Boy scout #3.....Jay Mohr

 

 

 

 

 

[ Title card read by narrator in V/O: "The following sketch, "Canteen Boy and the Scout Master", is based on actual events. It tells the story of Canteen Boy, a highly intelligent though quite eccentric 27 year-old who still lives with his mother, and who, despite his age, remains active in scouting. Certain elements of Canteen Boy??s story, such as his ability to summon snakes, have been added for dramatic effect." ][ Establishment shot :Exterior, night, boy scouts and Scout Master are sitting around a fire camp, near a tent. ]

 

Scout Master : ?? and hanging on the car door?? was a bloody HOOK!

 

Boy scouts #1 to #3 :AAH!

 

Boy scout #1 : Hey, I got a cool story mister Armstrong, but I can??t tell it until Canteen Boy gets back.

 

Scout Master : Where is Canteen Boy?

 

Boy scout #2: He??s right over there!

 

[ Camera switches to Canteen Boy, a few feet away from fire camp, staring at a wooden owl ]

 

Boy scout #3 : Canteen Boy come over here!

 

Canteen Boy : Hang on a second fell- fellows, I got a bit of a situation here!

 

Boy scout #2 You can relax Canteen Boy that thing is made of wood.

 

Canteen Boy : [ Touches the owl ] So it is. [ Canteen Boy goes sit at the fire camp ] Good eye!

 

Boy scout #1 : Hey Canteen Boy, I got a really scary ghost story! Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck!

 

Canteen Boy : Hey, I think I??ve heard this tale before

 

Boy scout #1 :?? it was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off! ?C Just ??cause he looked so stupid! ?C THE END! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

Canteen Boy : Hey you wanna see something really scary? Look in the mirror! Mm-mm!

 

Boy scout #1 : Ha-ha SHUT up Canteen Boy!

 

Canteen Boy : hey you shut up!

 

Boy scout #1 : Wha??was that?

 

Canteen Boy : Nothing.

 

Scout Master : All right guys! Lay off Canteen Boy, you can hike on back to your tents and hit the head! Come on! Let??s go !Let??s go! [ Boy scouts are leaving, disappointed, Scout Master holds Canteen Boy??s leg ] Not you Canteen Boy! I wanted to talk to you about something. I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouters.

 

Canteen Boy : Goes with the territory mister Armstrong ?C it??s sticks and stones!

 

Scout Master : [ Putting his arm around Canteen Boy??s shoulder ] Attaboy!.. [ Looking at Canteen Boy with lust in his eye ] You know, it seems like the moment you get out of the city, all the problems sort of, fade away?? [ Scout Master feels Canteen Boy??s cheek with his nose ] I??m sorry Canteen Boy my - my beard is scratching isn??t it?

 

Canteen Boy : [ Very uncomfortable with the situation ] No harm done!

 

Scout Master : [ Continues to feel Canteen Boy??s cheek ] My beard is scratching Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs??

 

Canteen Boy : Yeah um, yeah I??ll take a rain check on that mister Armstrong.

 

Scout Master : [ Tears his shirt apart ] Oops! My shirt fell off!

 

Canteen Boy : That??s a quick fix mister Armstrong just put it back on!

 

Scout Master : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That??s great Canteen Boy! Hey [Holds Canteen Boy back again, puts an hand on his leg and rubs it] Do you like wine?

 

Canteen Boy : Actually I prefer pure tap water um, right out of the hold canteen right here!

 

Scout Master : I??m going to get us a little??. wine??. [ Scout Master leaves ]

 

Canteen Boy : All right a little drop will not kill me I guess??

 

[ Canteen Boy hears a howl in the forest ]

 

Canteen Boy : Ooo-Ooo to you! Hey owl! if you??re so wise why don??t you go to sleep it??s the middle of the night! [ Canteen Boy is amused and proud of his remark. Scout Master comes back, wearing a bath robe and holding two glasses of wine. Sits besides Canteen Boy ]

 

Scout Master : Ahhh?? Here??s to the Great Outdoors! [ Scout Master intentionally spills wine over Canteen Boy??s sleeping bag ] Oops! Was that your sleeping bag? [ Canteen Boy??s get out of his wet sleeping bag ] You??d better share mine.. It??s Extra Large!

 

Canteen Boy : [ Naive about the invitation ] Sure why not, until mine dries off, it won??t take long it??s made of Gore-Tex.

 

Scout Master : Canteen Boy, would you um.. rub some bug repellent on my chest?

 

Canteen Boy : It??s February mister Armstrong I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate, I??ll be honest with you!

 

Scout Master : Humor me Canteen Boy!

 

[ Canteen Boy nervously applies lotion on Scout Master??s chest for a few seconds ]

 

Canteen Boy : There you go! No more bugs!

 

Scout Master : I have to apologize for my hairy chest, it can be a little scratchy??

 

Canteen Boy : Yeah.. my mom might like it as she??s a big Tom Selleck fan!

 

Scout Master : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You??re very funny Canteen Boy! [ Reaches out and holds Canteen Boy in his arms ] Make me laugh some more!

 

Canteen Boy : Actually, I left my jokes book over in the tent, how about I go get it?

 

Scout Master : It??s okay Canteen Boy let??s just, lie here and?? look at the stars??. [ Scout Master puts his mouth on Canteen Boy??s cheek and neck ] Do you know um?? [ Takes Canteen Boy??s finger and suck it ] do you know how.. how to play?? "Truth or Dare"??Canteen Boy?

 

Canteen Boy : Um, refresh me!

 

Scout Master : You choose between telling a secret?? or doing a Dare??

 

Canteen Boy : All right : "Dare"

 

[ Scout Master whispers something inaudible at Canteen Boy??s ear ]

 

Canteen Boy : [ Looking scared ] You know what mister I??m sorry let??s start off with the Truth!

 

Scout Master : I??ll tell you a Truth canteen Boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!

 

[ Scout Masters removes his underpants underneath his sleeping bag ]

 

Canteen Boy : Gee, I think if you worry about bugs, underpants would be your last line of defense!

 

Scout Master : [ Throwing is underpants away ] Problem solved!

 

Canteen Boy : Your problem??s solved but I think my problem??s just beginning! [ Scout Master forces Canteen Boy into spoon like position ] Aahhh What the hell is that?

 

Scout Master : I don??t know, it must have been a bed bug.

 

Canteen Boy : That was pretty big for a bed bug!

 

Scout Master : Okay it wasn??t a bed bug!

 

Canteen Boy : Let??s go back to saying it was a bed bug! Hey you know what, the park ranger just called! He said: "one camper per sleeping bag!" Sorry! Adios Amigos! [ Canteen Boy tries to leave sleeping bag, Scout Master holds him back ]

 

Scout Master : Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! God you make me laugh Canteen Boy!

 

[ Scout Masters holds Canteen Boy and falls asleep ?C the morning after?]

 

Scout Master : [ Wakes up ] I??m sorry Canteen Boy, I fell asleep before anything happened.

 

Canteen Boy : No harm done!

 

Scout Master : Well who??s hungry? I??m gonna go make us a power breakfast! [ Scout Master leaves ]

 

Canteen Boy : Okay??[ Canteen Boy gets up, whistles to summon snakes and runs away ]

 

Scout Master : [ Scout Master returns ] Canteen Boy have you ever had a Mimosa? Canteen Boy? [ Snakes "charge" at Scout Master from various location ] Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Canteen Boy you rascal!"

 

[ Fade out ]

[MVPosey]

October 27th, 1990

 

Chippendales

 

Barney.....Chris Farley

Adrian.....Patrick Swayze

 

 

 

 

Male Judge #1: This is impossible! Can't we just hire them both?

 

Male Judge #2: No. We've been through this. We've only got the budget for one dancer!

 

Female Judge: Yeah, but they're both so great.. I can't decide between them..

 

Male Judge #2: Well, that's our job. That's what Chippendales pays us for.

 

Male Judge #1: Yeah, but these guys have been through hell! Five hours of auditions, three callbacks..

 

Male Judge #2: Well, look.. if you want to give up your salary so Chippendales can hire both these guys - that's fine with me.

 

Male Judge #1: Okay, okay..

 

Male Judge #2: [ to offscreen ]Marcy? Bring 'em in?

 

Male Judge #1: This is the part of the job that I hate.

 

[ Adrian, a well-built dancer, walks in, followed by Barney, a flabby dancer ]

 

Male Judge #2: Adrian. Barney. [ sighs ] Listen, before we start, I just want to say once again that either of you would make a wonderful addition to the Chippendale family. I know you've been put through a long, long addition, and I know it's been hard.. But I think that in itself is a testament to how good both of you are, and just how difficult our choice is. I wish I could just flip a coin and be done with it.. but we can't. We're Chippendales. Marcy? Music?

 

[ Loverboy's "Working For The Weekend" blasts the stage, as Adrian and Barney begin their final audition. Adrian strikes many sexy moves which show off his fantastically fit body; all of Barney's sext moves accentuate the fact that he has a big belly hanging over his belt. ]

 

Male Judge #2: Thank you. Adrian, Barney, if you could just give us a minute, we'll make our decision.

 

[ Adrian and Barney exit to the back room ]

 

Adrian: Oh, Adrian, you were great out there, man! I know it's gonna be you

 

Barney: Oh, Barney, what are you talking about? You got it, and you know it!

 

Adrian: Whatever happens, you're the best!

 

Marcy; [ peeks in ] They're ready for you, guys.

 

[ Barney and Adrian shake hands and walk back out ]

 

Male Judge #2: Adrian? Barney? We've made our decision. But before we tell you, I just want to tell you again how truly difficult it was for us to make our choice, and to thank you for your patience throughout this long, arduous audition. [ pause ] We're gonna go with Adrian.

 

Barney: I knew it, man! [ shakes Adrian's hand ]

 

Adrian: [ starts to weep ] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just never wanted anything so much in my life, and now that I've got it, I'm having a hard time dealing with it!

 

Male Judge #2: Well, that's okay, Adrian, we understand. [ pause ] Barney, we all agreed that your dancing was great.. your presentation was very sexy. I guess, in the end, we just thought Adrian's body was much, much better than yours. You see, it's just that, at Chippendales, our dancers have traditionally had that lean, muscular, healthy physique - like Adrian's - whereas yours is.. well, fat and flabby. [ Barney starts to vamp ] No, Barney. No, no, no. Barney, we've made our decision.

 

Adrian: Excuse me, can I make a point? [ wraps his arm around Barney ] I just want to say that this guy is one hell of a dancer, you know? I mean, he's got some of the sexiest moves I've ever seen! And if you're really serious about going with me, it can only be because his body's so bad!

 

Barney: Thanks, man.

 

Adrian: I mean, on straight dancing, in presentation, ain't no way I'm better than him!

 

Male Judge #2: Amen. Amen. You see, Barney, we considered the possibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer a heavier, heavier man that they could identify with.. but then we decided..

 

Adrian's Thoughts: [ as Male Judge #2 drines off ] Even as I stood there listening to them explain why they'd chosen me, I still couldn't believe it! Ever since I could remember, I had dreamed about becoming a Chippendales dancer, and now I was one! I never saw Barney again.. but I would never forget how, for one moment, he brought out the best in me. That was the time of my life.

 

[ Music Bed: "Time of My Life", by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, over a photo of Adrian striking a sexy Chippendale pose to fade ]

[MVPosey]

Behind The Music: Blue Oyster Cult

 

Bruce Dickinson.....Christopher Walken

Eric Bloom.....Chris Parnell

Buck Dharma.....Horatio Sanz

Alan.....Chris Kattan

Bobby.....Jimmy Fallon

Gene Frenkle.....Will Ferrell

 

 

 

 

Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.

 

Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!

 

Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.

 

Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson!

 

Alan: It's incredible!

 

Bobby: I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!

 

Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ]Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ]

 

[ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]

 

Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?

 

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?

 

Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay?

 

Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene.

 

Gene Frenkle: Yeah?

 

Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing.

 

[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell ]

 

Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please?

 

Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first!

 

Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.

 

Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough..

 

Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.

 

Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track!

 

Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing.

 

[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear ]

 

Eric: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] Come on, people!

 

Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!

 

Alan: Don't blow this for us, Gene!

 

Bobby: Quit being so selfish, Gene!

 

Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing? I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson! And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a lot of songs that feature the cowbell.

 

Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!

 

Gene Frenkle: I'll be doing myself a disservice, and everybody in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this.

 

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

 

Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]

 

Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby..

 

Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.

 

[ everyone agrees ]

 

Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?

 

Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.

 

Gene Frenkle: Thank you.

 

Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all are gonna be wearing gold-plated diapers.

 

Alan: What does that mean?

 

Bruce Dickinson: Never question, Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]

 

Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4.

 

[ the band starts up again. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memorium: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]