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Gary Cote pokes fun at every situation in sports


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This is pretty hilarious, the beginning isn't too good but it gets very funny as you read on.


Good for the Heat's Dwyane Wade for patriotically saying all but yes to the U.S. Olympic team despite ample time to dream up lame excuses for staying home like so many sniveling and possibly communist-leaning NBA players have done.


? Oh, and did you hear rookie Carmelo Anthony complaining he wasn't picked and then whining, ''Nothing in the NBA includes me''? One question for you, 'Melo: Your name spelled right on those paychecks, is it?


? Speaking of basketball, the Detroit Pistons are so in charge, even Buddha is betting against Phil Jackson now.


? Nothing so dead has come out of L.A. since the last vestiges of Henry Winkler's career.


? Along with an upset in the making, these Finals have provided one bit of info we could have done without: Shaquille O'Neal wears thong underwear. I propose a new law. No athlete may publicly discuss preferences in intimate apparel, with the exception of Anna Kournikova. Or Halle Berry, even though she isn't an athlete.


? Dolphins third-string QB Sage Rosenfels will rent himself out for special occasions. Coach Dave Wannstedt, postgame: ``Well, we wanted Sage to warm up, but he wasn't available. He had a meet-and-greet at Alan Keyfob's bar mitzvah.''


? Ken Griffey Jr.'s next home run will be No. 500, after a streak of 10 during the past three weeks. Maybe a few Marlins hitters should try glaring at Jack McKeon, too.


? The World Boxing Council is declaring bankruptcy. But, given the state of the sport, would that be financial or moral?


? This rent-a-Sage thing might be getting out of hand. I'm looking across the street, and Rosenfels is mowing my neighbor's lawn.


? The hapless Bowl Championship Series will add a fifth game by 2006, disappointing college football fans who hoped there'd be no BCS by then.


? Wimbledon is coming up fast. The big story lines: Can Andre Agassi end his slump? And will Serena Williams' next outfit be as hideous as the last?


? Admin Bird said the NBA needs more white superstars. Conservatives agreed, liberals called it racist, and columnists sent Admin a thank-you note for a layup topic.


? By the way, did you hear? Somebody told Junior Seau that Monday was Flag Day, and he said, ``See? Now they get their own holiday!''


? Something is wrong. It has been more than 24 hours since a famous athlete or coach said anything stupid.


? Long-jumper Mike Powell is trying to make the U.S. Olympic team at age 40. His strategy? Everybody else gets bounced for substance abuse.


? Allen Iverson got fined $300 for parking in a handicapped zone. Judge didn't buy his defense that he was in the zone less than three seconds.


? Calgary is mad over losing the Stanley Cup amid coach Darryl Sutter's conspiracy talk about the NHL wanting Tampa Bay to win. There hasn't been this much screeching out of Canada since Celine Dion's debut.


? Giorgio Armani is outfitting the British national soccer team. Well, David Beckham, anyway. The rest of the guys get Big Kmart.


? Tampa Bay Devil Rays owner Vince Naimoli has complained of a raccoon tormenting his family in their upscale neighborhood. City officials vow the attacks will continue until Naimoli fields a winning team.


? U.S. Anti-Doping Agency has lowered its burden of proof in a move analysts say could adversely affect sprinter Marion Jones. The new rules permit suspension of anyone found to be named ``Marion Jones.''


? ABC left Sunday's Buick Open in mid-playoff to air America's Funniest Home Videos. In the first video, PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem is seen weeping.


? NBC will air a record 1,210 hours of Olympic programming from Athens, in a decision hailed by cackling executives at ABC and CBS.


? Major League Soccer wunderkind Freddy Adu, 15, plays in Fort Lauderdale with the U.S. under-20 team Wednesday. Adu is credited with making people who used to ignore MLS pay brief attention before going back to ignoring it.


? They celebrated Flipper's 40th anniversary at Miami Seaquarium the other day. Sadly, though, the original Flipper quietly endures a midlife crisis, drinking heavily, cheating on his wife and driving a Corvette.


? Andy Roddick's serve recently was clocked at 153 mph, but Roddick has hired a ticket attorney.


? University of Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins was captured on video, so drunk he couldn't recite the alphabet. But why would that be considered proof? Neither can a lot of college athletes.


? Ex-Little League World Series cheater Danny Almonte led his team to New York City's prep baseball title. Everybody was happy for him, including his grandchildren.


? The Euro 2004 soccer championships are raising fears about violence by hooligan fans, according to concerned terrorists.


? Parting thought: How the mighty have fallen. That vendor hawking Heralds on the busy intersection this morning? Smarty Jones.



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