"The Health Benefits of Video Games"

 

The health effects of video games vary just as much as the genres of video games themselves. In a study of 5,043 video game players, various video game genres and a box of tissue, too much caffeine and huge TVs or computer monitors with way too many useless features on them, we came to these following conclusions:

 

First person shooters:

These video games definitely help in the stress department. Whether it's pretending that alien gibbing across the screen is your archnemesis or that a**hole professor, the trigger finger on a FPS player truly can take out the anger and frustrations of actually having a social life. It also can make the player's own survival more acute, such as being able to pop off your enemy's head with a sniper rifle before he pumps you with his shotgun. You will also become more skilled at terrorism or counterterrorism, knowing that it only takes holding down one key to arm or disarm a bomb. You will also gain a new knowledge of weaponry, even if it is fake, and will impress everyone around you with your newfound intellect. And everyone in the halls of your school will fear you because of your FPS prowess--afraid you will snap and turn the school into your very own actual first person shooter. You will be feared and respected, which will increase your mental self-image and help your health immensely.

 

Racing Games:

Racing games have proven to be great in training new drivers and reducing the risks of driving on the road. You can drive totally wasted and no jail time will come to you. Not only that, most of these games have elite weaponry and impossible physics to make the experience even more realistic and hallucinogenic. You can blow up bad drivers and take out all your road rage before you hit the road for real--where you can attempt to pull the acceleration your NASCAR racer has out of your souped-up Pinto. Lower road rage and better driving skills will help the health of drivers and pedestrians everywhere.

 

Space Fighters:

Escape the pressure of reality into a futuristic world. Lower your stress level by blasting alien scum to dust. With space fighters and the Star Wars and Star Trek clones more numerous than the guards in Goldeneye, there is a vast array of choices and variety. You will never, ever, ever get tired of playing new games in this genre, where you can feel powerful with your light-saber and invincible in your battle-cruiser. Feel the power as you order Scotty to beam you up. Another mental health helper, the endless twitching of your thumb is bound to build some muscle as you continue to fire as fast as possible at those 3D Tie fighters.

 

Games with Pixelated Women:

Falling into any genre, this may be the most helpful to your health game out there. If your lack of a sexual life or lack of access to porno has you down, buy yourself a game with pixelated or polygonal women. Masturbate well to these women, and memorize how you interact with them in the game and then apply it to the real world. The resulting masturbation will enlarge your penis, increase your fertility, and even increase your bloodflow, increasing heart health and self-satisfaction. Your arms will get a workout too. Never underestimate the exercise and effort that goes into masturbation.

 

Sports games:

This one is obvious. You get amazing amounts of exercise from watching and pretending to be the star athletes that you control. You will learn how to dunk awesome baskets, kick great field goals and do bike and skateboard stunts that you SHOULD try at home. You can be just like Tony Hawk. Really. Just doing it in the game automatically gives you the skill and conditioning of that athlete in real life. All you have to do is make the high scores list. Exercise, exercise. You are the athlete, you are cool.

 

The GTA series:

This series has no genre. It is the most awesome set of games ever conceived. You will learn how to survive on the streets, kill cops and gain hookers. You will know weapons better than any FPS player. Pixelated women are everywhere. The health effects of this game series are still unknown but definitely known to be through the roof on positive.

 

These were the genres included in our study, but other genres have positive health effects on the player. General effects include enlarged thumb and arm muscles, leg muscles (in DDR), improved self-image because of false knowledge and a sense of coolness, enhanced vision for about three years before your eyes go blind, and weight gain that helps you survive. The diet prescribed for video games: chips, soda, sweets, fast food, and chocolate is the healthiest in the nutrition world. Screw the Atkins or the low-carb. The exercise needed is thumb workouts and nothing more. Gyms eat money you could use on new games and expend too much energy needed to stay up late.

 

In conclusion, video games have absolutely no known or unknown negative health effects and are good for all people of all ages, places, and genders. All people, period. Quake III is okay for four year olds. The rating system is bogus and is only for people who like to tell you how to think. Your four year old will thank you for exposing them to so much blood, so when they see it at school they won't be scared. So the message is "Play more games, and you will live forever."

I approve this message. :thumbup

I like the one about the pixelated woman one best. Just go out and buy yourself DOA.