An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

 

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

 

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

 

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

 

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

 

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

 

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

 

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

 

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

 

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

 

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

 

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

 

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

 

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

 

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty f***in' windy, too!"

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

 

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

 

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

 

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered.

She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

 

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

 

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'f*** him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

 

Q: Why do blondes have periods?

A: They deserve them.

 

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

 

Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes?

A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

 

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?

A: By the ears.

 

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

 

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?

A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

 

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?

A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

 

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

 

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

 

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

 

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

 

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

A: She can't say "No".

 

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

 

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

 

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

 

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

 

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

 

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

 

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

 

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

 

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

 

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal Mart?

A: He heard little boy's pants were half off

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal Mart?

A: He heard little boy's pants were half off

lol ha ha

i just heard that one today... :lol