Nick Saban's Itinerary

[BeefWillingham]

Taken from warchant.com:

 

NICK SABAN'S ITENERARY

 

4:00 AM - Wake up.

 

4:01 AM - Fire secretary for mispelling 'ITINERARY.' Get security to

go to her house, step in her garden, wake her ass up, get her to fix

them breakfast. .... Then fire her.

 

4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.

 

4:20 AM - Think about how much of a p***y Maximus is and how I could

dominate his ass.

 

4:21 AM - Call Major. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I

will hire Chris Simms to do his f***ing job.

 

4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road

with a cooler and a case of Red Bull. Tell him not to come back until

he has a commitment. From a 5-star.

 

4:26 AM - Call Kevin Steele. Ask him where the f*** are my 5-star

D-line commits? Call him names. Hang up.

 

4:27 AM - Power nap.

 

4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.

 

4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.

 

With Valdosta State.

 

5:00 AM - Think about how even EA sports makes Les Miles looks like a

walking bobblehead doll.

 

5:01 AM - Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my bagel.

 

5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough.

Slam door.

 

5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then eat it.

 

5:05 AM - Do whatever the hell I want for two-and-a-half hours.

 

7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her

breakfast, ask her how her school is going, pat her on the head, buy

her a pony, kiss her on the forehead, telepathically threaten her

boyfriend, and give her a ride to school.

 

7:39 AM: Wake up the wife.

 

7:39 - 10:39 AM - None of your f***ing business.

 

10:40 AM - Take 15-minute hot shower.

 

10:45 AM - Head to office.

 

10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking

to hire a new secretary and that if he's interested to email his

resume to [email protected]

. Do not disguise

voice.

 

11:00 AM - Go to Mobile. Recruit my ass off.

 

11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my ass off.

 

12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana. Take huge sh*t...

 

.... inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles'

office. Do not close door.

 

12:26 P.M. - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my

sh*t actually stinks.

 

12:27 P.M . - Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind

everyone at LSU that it's Nick Saban's job to get sh*t done, and Les

Miles' job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.

 

12:29 P.M. - Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.

 

12:30 P.M. - Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order,

say "I'll have what he's having." Wait for Tuberville to order

something healthy. Then call him a p**** and order a double

cheeseburger. With onion rings.

 

12:31 P.M. - Think of a better way to f*** with Tuberville. Adjust time.

 

12:30 P.M. - Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waitress takes

order, say 'I'll have what he's having.' Wait for Tuberville to order.

When the waitress brings out my food, send it back. When the waitress

brings out Tuberville's food, eat it. All of it. Silently, and without

using silverware. Stare Tuberville in the face the whole time. Do not

talk. If waitress tries to approach table again, stare at her until

she cries.

 

1:00 P.M. - Get up from table. Ask valet for Tuberville's car keys. Do

not tip.

 

1:01 P.M. - Get in car. Scroll through Tuberville's iPod. Laugh at all

the p***y music he has on it.

 

1:02 P.M. - Morph iPod into 1987 cassette tape of "Appetite for

Destruction." Blare it. Then hit the pedal.

 

1:03 - 1:29 P.M. - Hit as many Auburn fans' mailboxes as possible.

Swerve if necessary.

 

1:30 P.M. - Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff's Office.

 

1:31 P.M. - Beat the s**t out of Auburn City Sheriff.

 

Do not tell him there is a new sheriff in town. That would be too

expected.

 

Instead, merely imply it by punching him repeatedly in the face and

kidney.

 

1:32 - 1:54 P.M. - Hit as many Auburn fans' pets as possible. Swerve

if necessary.

 

1:55 P.M. - Drive to Bobby Lowder's house. Park Tuberville's car right

next to Lowder's wife's car. Leave it there all night. But not before

taking pictures.

 

1:56 P.M. - Slash both front tires. With index finger.

 

1:57 P.M. - Swallow keys. Hail cab.

 

1:58 P.M. - Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, then exhale.

 

1:59 P.M. - Arrive at gas station. Put on Armani suit. Smile. Ask

attendant for bag of Redman chew. Do not pay for it.

 

2:00 P.M. - Go to SEC baseball tourney.

 

2:01 P.M. - Walk into batter's box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR.

 

But not for Alabama.

 

For whoever's playing LSU.

 

2:02 P.M. - Point to scorekeeper. Tell him to just add the run,

because Nick Saban doesn't have time to run the f***ing bases.

 

2:03 P.M. - On way out of ballpark, spit chew in LSU batboy's face.

Make sure his eyes are open first.

 

2:04 P.M. - Get out cell phone. Make recruiting call to Julio Jones.

Tell him that Nick Saban just hit a pinch-hit HR. In an Armani suit.

Without rounding the bases. Hang up.

 

2:05 P.M. - Purchase phone-voice disguiser from the movie 'Scream.'

 

2:06 P.M. - Call Major. Ask him how he is doing.

 

Then ask him if Alabama recruited a 5-star QB this week.

 

Then ask him if Alabama got a commitment from a 5-star QB this week.

 

Then ask him if he enjoys the use of his thumbs.

 

2:07 P.M. - Fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports

department.

 

(^^^Coach's correction^^^) - F*** that. Nick Saban does not fax. -

 

2:07 P.M. - Have Secretary Shula fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the

Miami-Herald Sports Dept.

 

Letter to read as follows:

 

"ATTN: Staff,

 

Guys, I don't know how else I can say this. I am going to beat the

ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami-Herald

Sports Department.

 

- NICK SABAN"

 

2:08 P.M. - Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami.

 

3:00 P.M. - Beat the ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the

entire Miami Herald Sports Department.

 

Not to show them that Nick Saban only gets violent when he feels like

it. To show them that Nick Saban only keeps his word when he feels

like it.

 

4:00 P.M. - Arrive back in Alabama. Call Real Estate Agent.

 

4:01 P.M. - 5:00 P.M. - Work with Real Estate agent. Buy every single

movie theater, restaurant, shopping mall, outdoor park, fishing lake,

and entertainment venue in the entire city of Auburn.

 

Close them all down immediately. If real estate agent advises against

the move, threaten his life. Then tell him it is not about making

money. It is about making sure people in Auburn have nothing to take

their minds off the fact that Nick Saban was just hired as the Head

Coach of Alabama.

 

5:01 P.M. - 9:01 P.M. - Go into office. Work. Recruit. Dominate. Make

up for otherwise slow day.

 

9:02 P.M. - Go home. Hug the wife. Wink. Smile. Spit mad game.

 

9:03 P.M. - 12:02 A.M. - None of your f****ng business.

 

12:03 A.M. - Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my cigarette.

 

12:04 A.M. - Get cigarette from Mal. Complain that it isn't lit. Slam

door.

 

12:05 A.M. - Light cigarette with laser eyes. Then smoke it. Without

filter.

 

12:06 A.M. - 1,000 sit-ups.

 

12:07 A.M . - 1,000 push-ups.

 

12:08 A.M. - 1,000 crunches.

 

12:09 A.M. - End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.

 

12:39 A.M. - Complete hour-long evening workout.

 

12:40 A.M. - 1:00 A.M. - Watch 4 consecutive new episodes of '24'

using the DVR I stole from Lowder's house.

 

1:01 A.M. - Think about how lucky Jack Bauer is for being fictional.

Because if he weren't, I would beat the s*** out of him for

copy-catting my personality.

 

1:02 A.M. - 1:12 A.M. - Watch entire replay of "De La Hoya-Mayweather"

fight.

 

1:13 A.M. - Think about how much more one-sided the fight would have

been if it were called "De La Hoya-Saban."

 

1:14 A.M. - Put cell phone on silent. Not to go to sleep. To dodge

repeated late-night desperation booty calls from Jessica Alba and Eva

Longoria.

 

3:14 A.M. - After booty calls cease, send text message to both

reminding them that Nick Saban only cheats at Monopoly.

 

3:15 A.M. - 3:29 A.M. - Practice future National Championship Game

post-game speeches. All three of them.

 

3:30 A.M. - 4:00 A.M. - Catch good night's sleep. Replace the counting

of sheep with the kicking of puppies.

[Passion]

Pretty good.

 

Dougie's Diary was better though. :shifty