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A guide to

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For those of you who have been searching for a greater understanding of Jewish holidays major and minor, I think you will find the explanation below most enlightening...

 

 

 

Jewish Holidays

 

As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

 

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

 

The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

 

 

 

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast

 

 

Tzom Gedalia -- Fast

 

 

Yom Kippur -- More fasting

 

 

Sukkot -- Feast

 

 

Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting

 

 

Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting

 

 

Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

 

 

Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes

 

 

Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes

 

 

Tu B'Shevat -- Feast

 

 

Fast of Esther -- Fast

 

 

Purim -- Eat pastry

 

 

Passover -- Do not eat pastry

 

 

Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)

 

 

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

 

 

Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

 

 

Month of Elul -- End of cycle.

 

Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again

 

There are many forms of Judaism:

 

 

 

Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.

 

 

Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.

 

 

Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.

 

 

Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to breakfast.

 

Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

 

=====================================================================

 

You know you grew up Jewish when:

 

 

 

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

 

 

 

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".

 

 

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

 

 

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

 

 

You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

 

 

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

 

 

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

 

 

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.

 

 

 

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

 

 

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

 

 

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

I didn't even realize there were that many Jewish holidays..

 

I celebrate Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Passover and Purim.

Meh, between being friends with Ramp and the Jewish girl in my English class I don't think I could TAKE anymore!!!

 

Actually, Ramp's not so bad, but the English girl? Man, when being Jewish is apart of your personality you've got problems.

  • Author

Actually, Ramp's not so bad, but the English girl? Man, when being Jewish is apart of your personality you've got problems.

 

 

 

 

Explain where the 'problems' are?

Actually, Ramp's not so bad, but the English girl? Man, when being Jewish is apart of your personality you've got problems.

 

 

 

 

Explain where the 'problems' are? Thats what I want to know.

 

And Phoenix, good stuff. :lol

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