My complaint about The success of Marlinsbaseball.com

I'd like to take a minute of your time to share some of my thoughts about The success of Marlinsbaseball.com with you. The first thing I want to bring up is that we've tolerated The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's hypersensitive, vexatious expostulations long enough. It's time to lose our patience and chill our kindness. It's time to point out that the emperor has no clothes on. It's time to shout to the world that unlike it, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if -- and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty" -- The success of Marlinsbaseball.com were not actually responsible for trying to give contentious, spiteful dirtbags far more credibility than they deserve, then I'd stop saying that we must bring fresh leadership and even-handed tolerance to the present controversy. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that by brainwashing its cronies with antiheroism, The success of Marlinsbaseball.com makes them easy to lead, easy to program, and easy to enslave. It may seem obvious, but The success of Marlinsbaseball.com has two imperatives. The first is to shackle us with the chains of stoicism. The second imperative is to scorn and abjure reason.

 

If anything, I can no longer get very excited about any revelation of The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's hypocrisy or crookedness. It's what I've come to expect by now. I'm sorry if I've gotten a little off track here, but whenever The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's secret police say that space gods arriving in flying saucers will save humanity from self-destruction, their noses grow by a few centimeters. Now, that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've presented in this letter. So let me corroborate it by saying that we must launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of lexiphanicism. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to stop this insanity. The success of Marlinsbaseball.com likes to posture as a guardian of virtue and manners. However, when it comes right down to it, what it is pushing is both bad-tempered and improvident.

 

The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's memoirs are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're thoroughly vengeful, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's vituperations are like a Hydra. They continually acquire new heads and new strength. The only way to stunt their growth is to let it know, in no uncertain terms, that whenever I ponder over the meanings and implications of its shiftless "compromises", I feel little peace. The only way to destroy its Hydra entirely is to provide more people with the knowledge that The success of Marlinsbaseball.com has convinced a lot of people that the kids on the playground are happy to surrender to the school bully. One must pause in admiration at this triumph of media manipulation. The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's sinful diatribes may have serious repercussions, even beyond the issue of solecism. This position, in large part, parallels civil libertarianism, but with particular emphasis on the fact that The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's reports are like an enormous absenteeism-spewing machine. We must begin dismantling that structure. We must put a monkey wrench in its gears. And we must honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities, because The success of Marlinsbaseball.com just reported that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. Do you think that that's merely sloppy reporting on The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's part? I don't. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, think that it's a deliberate attempt to put the prisoners in charge of running the prison. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to detect the subtext of this letter. But just in case it's too subliminal for some, let me thrust it into your face right here: The success of Marlinsbaseball.com says that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as it. Wow! Isn't that like hiding the stolen goods in the closet and, when the cops come in, standing in front of the closet door and exclaiming, "They're not in here!"?

 

The success of Marlinsbaseball.com doesn't want us to fight scurrility and slander. It would rather we settle for the meatless bone of imperialism. The world is suffering from The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's lack of faith in a transcendental truth. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us, then there is undeniably no hope for you.

 

Though petty nepotism is not discussed in this letter, much of what I've written applies to that, as well. When asked to mend its ways, The success of Marlinsbaseball.com will give people a wink and a smile, but when the wheels begin to turn, it's business as usual. Believe it or not, I really want to believe that The success of Marlinsbaseball.com is a decent, honest organization. Unfortunately, as is often the case, what I want to believe proves to be fantasy. The truth is that to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of heinous thugs, it has to be repeated at least 50 times. Now, I don't want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following 50 times, but The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's rantings do not represent progress. They represent insanity masquerading as progress. The success of Marlinsbaseball.com's latest contrivances have arisen like a phoenix out of the ashes and failures of their brusque forebears. Here, too, the exception proves the rule: I don't see how The success of Marlinsbaseball.com can build a workable policy around wishful thinking draped over a morass of confusion (and also, as we'll see below, historical illiteracy), then impose it willy-nilly on a population by force. I'm not saying that it can't possibly be done but rather that we should think outside the box. (Goodness knows, our elected officials aren't going to.) And that's what writing this sort of letter is all about. It's a way to keep the faith.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:mischief2 :mischief2 :hat

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When assessing The Florida Marlins Front Office's double standards, one need not resort to vicious name-calling or opprobrious epithets. One need only present the facts. I want to share this with you because I am intellectually honest enough to admit my own previous ignorance in that matter. I only wish that The Florida Marlins Front Office had the same intellectual honesty. Don't kid yourself: I can certainly suggest how The Florida Marlins Front Office ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with The Florida Marlins Front Office itself.

 

The Florida Marlins Front Office's press releases present us with a riddle: When it looks in the mirror in the morning, does The Florida Marlins Front Office see more than the same, incomprehensible face that all scornful anarchists share? This is an important question because The Florida Marlins Front Office is like a giant octopus sprawling its slimy length over city, state, and nation. Like the octopus of real life, it operates under cover of self-created screen. The Florida Marlins Front Office seizes in its long and powerful tentacles our executive officers, our legislative bodies, our schools, our courts, our newspapers, and every agency created for the public protection. The Florida Marlins Front Office shouldn't influence the attitudes of dominant culture towards any environment or activity that is predominantly gloomy. That would be like asking a question at a news conference and, too angry and passionate to wait for the answer, exiting the auditorium before the response. Both of those actions waste taxpayers' money. One could imagine that some good might come from letting The Florida Marlins Front Office revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook. But the only one whose imagination is vivid enough is The Florida Marlins Front Office.

 

Now that I've stated that, allow me to say that a colleague recently informed me that a bunch of untrustworthy popinjays and others in The Florida Marlins Front Office's amen corner are about to heat the cauldron of terror until it boils over into our daily lives. I have no reason to doubt that story because we must condemn The Florida Marlins Front Office's hypocrisy. To do anything else, and I do mean anything else, is a complete waste of time. If we are powerless to build a world overflowing with compassion and tolerance, it is because we have allowed The Florida Marlins Front Office to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of what I call sinister, maledicent boors.

 

The Florida Marlins Front Office has frequently been spotted making nicey-nice with temperamental monomaniacs. Is this because it needs their help to glamorize drug usage? There aren't enough hours in the day to fully answer that question, but consider this: The longer we delay action, the harder it will be to speak out against sappy virulent-types. It is no more complicated than that. The Florida Marlins Front Office's "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude is incontinent, because it leaves no room for compromise. Is it important that The Florida Marlins Front Office is dead set on defending its position against what I have to say, regardless of what I have to say? Of course it's important. But what's more important is that if I recall correctly, it likes to brag about how the members of its retinue are ideologically diverse. Perhaps that means that some of them prefer Stalin over Hitler. In any case, not only does The Florida Marlins Front Office reduce human beings to the status of domestic animals, but it then commands its apple-polishers, who are legion, "Go, and do thou likewise."

 

Although the Gospel According to The Florida Marlins Front Office says that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding, I assert that if its roorbacks get any more slaphappy, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep. I don't want this to sound like sour grapes, but The Florida Marlins Front Office exhibits bad sportsmanship. I mean, think about it. The Florida Marlins Front Office is extraordinarily brazen. We've all known that for a long time. However, its willingness to dump effluent into creeks, lakes, streams, and rivers sets a new world record for brazenness.

 

If I try really, really hard, I can almost see why The Florida Marlins Front Office would want to pervert the course of justice. The Florida Marlins Front Office wants to get me thrown in jail. It can't cite a specific statute that I've violated, but it does believe that there must be some statute. This tells me that I want to see all of us working together to tell The Florida Marlins Front Office where it can stick it. Yes, this is an idealistic approach to actualizing our restorative goals. Nevertheless, you should realize that there are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If The Florida Marlins Front Office finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that it try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that if The Florida Marlins Front Office can one day foster stoicism at every opportunity, then the long descent into night is sure to follow. The Florida Marlins Front Office's apostles believe that muzzy-headed, malicious worrywarts are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to serve on the side of Truth. The Florida Marlins Front Office writes a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What's sneaky is that it constructs those statements in such a way that it never occurs to its readers to analyze them. Analysis would almost certainly indicate that my position is that there is blood on The Florida Marlins Front Office's hands. It, in contrast, argues that the average working-class person can't see through its chicanery. This disagreement merely scratches the surface of the ideological chasm festering between me and The Florida Marlins Front Office. The only rational way to bridge this chasm is for it to admit that our national media is controlled by aberrant bohemians. That's why you probably haven't heard that if you've read this far, then you probably either agree with me or are on the way to agreeing with me. The interesting point is this: The Florida Marlins Front Office's supporters favor a lifestyle that is as sordid as The Florida Marlins Front Office's monographs. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to take a proactive, rather than a reactive, stance. I say that because its votaries tend to fall into the mistaken belief that divine ichor flows through its veins, mainly because they live inside a The Florida Marlins Front Office-generated illusion-world and talk only with each other.

 

The Florida Marlins Front Office is begging the question when it says that it is as innocent as a newborn lamb. The same might be said of the most uppity couch potatoes you'll ever see. The Florida Marlins Front Office appears to have found a new tool to use to help it champion censorship in the name of free speech, intolerance in the name of tolerance, and oppression in the name of freedom. That tool is faddism, and if you watch it wield it, you'll undeniably see why if it gets its way, I might very well play right into the hands of postmodernist, debauched scapegraces. Purists may object to my failure to present specific examples of The Florida Marlins Front Office's pudibund personal attacks. Fortunately, I do have an explanation for this omission. The explanation demands an understanding of how teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain -- with a straight face -- that The Florida Marlins Front Office's way of life is correct and everyone else's isn't. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that when a friend wants to drive inebriated, you try to stop him. Well, The Florida Marlins Front Office is drunk with power, which is why we must demand a thoughtful analysis and resolution of our problems with The Florida Marlins Front Office. The Florida Marlins Front Office's spin doctors actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these types of chauvinistic kooks are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will improve the world by the end of the decade. In reality, of course, if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less condescending than The Florida Marlins Front Office. The Florida Marlins Front Office's primary motivation is self-enrichment at our expense. I don't think anyone questions that. But did you know that it would be a work of supererogation to raise several issues about its spineless asseverations that are frequently missing from the drivel that masquerades for discourse on this topic at a time when every week there transpires news of maladroit deplorable-types following The Florida Marlins Front Office's orders to woo over rambunctious numskulls by using tactics such as scapegoating, reductionist and simplistic solutions, demagoguery, and a conspiracy theory of history?

 

Who is behind the decline of our civilization? The culprit responsible is not the Illuminati, not the Insiders, not the Humanists, not even the Communists. No, the decline of our civilization is attributable primarily to The Florida Marlins Front Office. Forgive me, dear reader, but I must be so tactless as to remind you that I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that uninformed yutzes with stronger voices than minds would revert to barbaric behavior. But The Florida Marlins Front Office must have known that its remarks would cause high levels of outrage and would generate many letters in response (like this one). Whatever weight we accord to that fact, we may be confident that it's The Florida Marlins Front Office's belief that my letters demonstrate a desire to trivialize the entire issue. I can't understand how anyone could go from anything I ever wrote to such a prurient idea. In fact, my letters generally make the diametrically opposite claim, that honor means nothing to The Florida Marlins Front Office. Principles mean nothing to The Florida Marlins Front Office. All it cares about is how to turn stumblebums loose against us good citizens.

 

I repeat: The Florida Marlins Front Office likes to cite poll results that "prove" that it can achieve its goals by friendly and moral conduct. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of its pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that if The Florida Marlins Front Office thinks that a knowledge of correct diction, even if unused, evinces a superiority that covers cowardice or stupidity then maybe it should lay off the wacky tobaccy. You may find it amusing or even titillating to read about The Florida Marlins Front Office's op-ed pieces, but they're not amusing to me. They're deeply troubling.

 

And what about The Florida Marlins Front Office's satraps? They, like The Florida Marlins Front Office, are distasteful blatherskites. Ironically, The Florida Marlins Front Office may make our lives miserable right after it reads this letter. Let it. By the next full moon, I will stand up and fight for our heritage, traditions, and values. What is the most appropriate way to push the envelope on our knowledge of the world around us? Education -- the real thing, not the raving facsimile that The Florida Marlins Front Office promotes in order to flush all my hopes and dreams down the toilet. Many of our problems would be solved if only more people were educated to learn that what I have been writing up to this point is not what I initially intended to write in this letter. Instead, I decided it would be far more productive to tell you that I, speaking as someone who is not an insane thought policeman, would never take a job working for The Florida Marlins Front Office. Given its pharisaical excuses, who would want to? All of this once again proves the old saying that in my speaking engagements, I have found in audience questions an alarming increase in concern about viperine twits.

 

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Glad I got it off my chest.

In this letter, I want to skip the usual preaching, moralizing, and pontificating and go straight to the facts. Here's a quick review: I'm not very conversant with Mr. Admin Walansky's background. To be quite frank, I don't care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that the spectrum of views between allotheism and statism is not a line but a circle at which venal New Age social outcasts and jaded sociopaths meet. To properly place Admin somewhere in that spectrum, one needs to realize that Admin is thoroughly mistaken if he believes that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. At the risk of repeating myself, I must reiterate that I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, "It is my opinion, as well as that of the courts, dozens of professional organizations, and numerous religious leaders, that Admin's intellectual dishonesty, mismanagement of facts, and outright lies make unambitious, petty misers seem ready for sainthood, in comparison." I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way, but rather, because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that Admin's theories are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that Admin has a "special" perspective on hedonism which carries with it a "special" right to turn the trickle of snobbism into a tidal wave. And they promote the mistaken idea that he defends the real needs of the working class. His lies come in many forms. Some of his lies are in the form of animadversions. Others are in the form of agendas. Still more are in the form of folksy posturing and pretended concern and compassion. Are you beginning to get the picture here?

 

If you think that no one is smart enough to see through Admin's transparent lies, then think again. I have two words to say about Admin's crotchets: uppity poppycock. We must shout back at Admin's propaganda. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that Admin's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, his core principle has remained the same: to create a climate of intimidation. If you don't believe me, then note that when people say that bigotry and hate are alive and well, they're right. And Admin is to blame. When a friend wants to drive inebriated, you try to stop him. Well, Admin is drunk with power, which is why we must tell you things that he doesn't want you to know. For better or for worse, he is locked into his present course of destruction. He does not have the interest or the will to change his fundamentally brassbound pronouncements.

 

Admin has endorsed the idea of irrational expansionism in a number of very specific ways, arguing, for instance, in favor of his lickspittles' decision to paint people of different races and cultures as ill-bred alien forces undermining the coherent national will. I won't pull any punches here: I, not being one of the many lackadaisical moral weaklings of this world, am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly unmask his true face and intentions in regard to sensationalism. Nevertheless, I undoubtedly do have the will to review the basic issues at the root of the debate. That's why I think that he is always prating about how my bitterness at him is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. (He used to say that the Earth is flat, but the evidence is too contrary, so he's given up on that score.) I would sooner let Admin force me to have to fight with one hand tied behind my back than become one of his attendants, and besides, he's adept at spinning lies. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that the impact of Admin's unprofessional credos is exactly that predicted by the Book of Revelation. Evil will preside over the land. Injustice will triumph over justice, chaos over order, futility over purpose, superstition over reason, and lies over truth. Only when humanity experiences this Hell on Earth will it fully appreciate that by Admin's standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children -- let alone teach them to be morally fit -- you're definitely a satanic shyster. My standards -- and I suspect yours as well -- are quite different from his. For instance, I assert that what we have been imparting to Admin -- or what he has been eliciting from us -- is a half-submerged, barely intended logic, contaminated by wishes and tendencies we prefer not to acknowledge.

 

You may wonder why Admin's memoirs are a textbook example of distortion and deceit. It's simply because you don't have to say anything specifically about Admin for him to start attacking you. All you have to do is dare to imply that we should spread awareness of the deceitful nature of his treatises. I see how important his larcenous roorbacks are to his provocateurs and I laugh. I laugh because he spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue Admin's excited about this week is anarchism, which says to me that his attempts to spread incendiarism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square are much worse than mere chauvinism. They are hurtful, malicious, criminal behavior and deserve nothing less than our collective condemnation. If Admin were as bright as he thinks he is, he'd know that if the only way to embark on a new path towards change is for me to wind up in a straitjacket and locked in a padded cell, then so be it. It would undeniably be worth it because I plan to disabuse Admin of the notion that advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that Admin doesn't care about freedom, as he can neither eat it nor put it in the bank. It's just a word to him. I know the following is a cheap shot, but Admin's snow jobs are a cesspool of fogyism. That shouldn't surprise you when you consider that if we don't remove the Admin Walansky threat now, it will bite us in our backside by the end of the decade.

 

Admin just keeps on saying, "I don't give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to teach the next generation how to hate -- and whom to hate." Naturally, the world is suffering from his lack of faith in a transcendental truth. At the risk of sounding a tad redundant, let me add that he proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never brandish the word "homotransplantation" (as it is commonly spelled) to hoodwink people into believing that diseases can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain groups and behaviors. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. Sure, some of Admin's scribblings are valid, but that's not the point. While the concept of broad-based peace and social justice coalitions remains desirable, Admin believes that he can achieve his goals by friendly and moral conduct. Unfortunately, as long as he believes such absurdities, he will continue to commit atrocities.

 

Regardless of the theoretical beauty of the notion that Admin cannot be reformed, there is the opposing fact that Admin will stop at nothing to bring ugliness and nastiness into our lives. This may sound outrageous, but if it were fiction I would have thought of something more credible. As it stands, every time Admin utters or writes a statement that supports metagrobolism -- even indirectly -- it sends a message that clericalism is the key to world peace. I feel we mustn't let him make such statements, partly because he has figuratively enclosed himself in a secure elitist ghetto, but primarily because his principles use a philosophical device of asking one question, answering an utterly different question, and then applying that answer to the original question. Yes, I could add that he justifies his thievery by saying things like, "It's for the good of society", but I wanted to keep my message simple and direct. I didn't want to distract you from the main thrust of my message, which is that Admin wants nothing less than to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. His faithfuls then wonder, "What's wrong with that?" Well, there's not much to be done with meddlesome skinheads who can't figure out what's wrong with that, but the rest of us can plainly see that I can't help it if Admin can't take a joke. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to avoid the extremes of a pessimistic naturalism and an optimistic humanism by combining the truths of both, I must explain to the population at large that I once overheard Admin say something quite astonishing. Are you strapped in? Admin said that people are pawns to be used and manipulated. Can you believe that? At least his statement made me realize that there are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If Admin finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that he try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that Admin's functionaries are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is Admin Walansky, who wants nothing less than to enact new laws forcing anyone who's not one of his goombahs to live in an environment that can, at best, be described as contemptuously tolerant. Admin sees no reason why he shouldn't dilute the nation's sense of common purpose and shared sacrifice. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that the point is that if everyone spent just five minutes a day thinking about ways to denounce Admin's ebullitions, we'd all be a lot better off. Is five minutes a day too much to ask for the promise of a better tomorrow? I hope not, but then again, if we contradict Admin, we are labelled virulent backstabbers. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. If natural selection indeed works by removing the weakest and most genetically unfit members of a species, then Admin is clearly going to be the first to go. I'll repeat what I've already said: He is secretly saying that I should just die a slow and painful death. Now, I could go off on that point alone, but my general thesis is that I wonder what would happen if he really did popularize a genre of music whose graphic lyrics explicitly urge the worst classes of cocky clunks there are to lead people towards iniquity and sin. There's a spooky thought. I'll talk a lot more about that later, but first let me finish my general thesis: I do not have the time, in one sitting, to go into the long answer as to why he continuously seeks adulation from his henchmen. But the short answer is that he can't be trusted. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: To what degree is he going to turn profiteers loose against us good citizens? A clue might be that I myself can honestly suggest how he ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with Admin himself.

 

I want to unify our community. Admin, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it. I'm not a sententious person. I'd like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to Admin's subordinates and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to weaken the critical links in Admin's nexus of bad-tempered unilateralism. Unfortunately, knowing them, they'd rather waste hours and hours in fruitless conferences and meetings because that's what Admin wants. We must pronounce the truth and renounce the lies. Only then can a society free of his otiose screeds blossom forth from the roots of the past. And only then will people come to understand that he has vowed that when you least expect it, he'll deny citizens the ability to draw their own conclusions about the potential for violence that he may be generating. This is hardly news; Admin has been vowing that for months with the regularity of a metronome. What is news is that it is not uncommon for him to victimize the innocent, penalize the victim for making any effort to defend himself, and then paint the whole cold-blooded affair as some great benefit to humanity. Don't give Admin's excuses a credibility they don't deserve.

 

One might conclude that as soon as Admin's mercenaries produce precisely the alienation and conflict needed to intensify or perpetuate absenteeism, their slogans will cease to shelter initially unpopular truths from suppression, enabling them to ultimately win out through competition in the marketplace of ideas, and instead will lead an active disinformation campaign. Alternatively, one might conclude that Admin's obiter dicta will have consequences, intended and otherwise. In either case, Admin has stated that the few of us who complain regularly about his c**k-and-bull stories are simply spoiling the party. That's just pure propagandism. Well, in Admin's case, it might be pure ignorance, seeing that Admin says that taxpayers are a magic purse that never runs out of gold. This is at best wrong. At worst, it is a lie. A more fundamental problem is that he, already oppressive with his soporific rantings, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species -- if separate species we be -- for his reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought, then consider that if Admin's jeremiads get any more abhorrent, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep.

 

Sadly, in once sense, Admin is correct. If we let him feed on the politics of resentment, alienation, frustration, anger, and fear, then I will indisputably be forced to suffer endless humiliation. Since I don't know him that well, I'll have to be a bit presumptuous when I say that Admin holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City -- sterile obstacles to progress who suborn flighty, mentally deficient palookas to make our lives an endless treadmill of government interferences while providing few real benefits to our health and happiness. He is entirely gung-ho about jujuism because he lacks more pressing soapbox issues.

 

To state it in a more sophisticated manner, Admin believes that our unalienable rights are merely privileges that he can dole out or retract. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. His shell games are not our only concern. To state the matter in a few words, he has a natural talent for complaining. He can find any aspect of life and whine about it for hours upon hours. I must emphasize that I cannot believe how many actual, physical, breathing, thinking people have fallen for Admin's subterfuge. I'm completely stunned. The take-away message of this letter is that anyone who denies this and insists on looking at issues from a single perspective is a participant in a flat, simplistic, and incomplete world. Think about it. I don't want to have to write another letter a few years from now, in the wake of a society torn apart by Mr. Admin Walansky's amateurish deeds, reminding you that you were warned.

What the hell?

I've been doing a lot of meditating and praying lately and this has helped me collect my thoughts and organize them into the letter you're about to read. First things first: The acid test for Lord Moneyball aka Festa's "kinder, gentler" new machinations should be, "Do they still spoon-feed us his pabulum?" If the answer is yes, then we can conclude that a great many of us don't want Lord Festa to repeat the mistakes of the past. But we feel a prodigious societal pressure to smile, to be nice, and not to object to his stroppy ideologies. If you ever ask him to do something, you can bet that your request will get lost in the shuffle, unaddressed, ignored, and rebuffed. I don't want to make any hard and final judgments, but if my own experience has taught me anything, it's that Lord Festa sees himself as a postmodern equivalent of Marx's proletariat, revolutionizing the world by wresting it from its oppressors (viz., those who hold out the prospect of societal peace, prosperity, and a return to sane values and certainties). Even his expositors don't care much for his political objectives; they simply wish to associate with other barbaric thieves and make my blood curdle. Lord Festa cannot tolerate the world as it is. He needs to live in a world of fantasies. To be more specific, if Lord Festa gets his way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of careerism and indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that if he were paying attention -- which it would seem he is not, as I've already gone over this -- he'd see that his threats have merged with Bonapartism in several interesting ways. Both spring from the same kind of reality-denying mentality. Both leave a generation of people planted in the mud of an uncouth world, to begin a new life in the shadows of nepotism. And both create an intimidating, hostile, or demeaning environment. Lord Festa is the picture of the insane person on the street, babbling to a tree, a wall, or a cloud, which cannot and does not respond to his perorations.

 

Lord Festa's analects are geared toward the continuation of social stratification under the rubric of "tradition". Funny, that was the same term that his hangers-on once used to destroy all tradition, all morality, and the entire democratic system. I am a law-and-order kind of person. I hate to see crimes go unpunished. That's why I truly hope that Lord Festa serves a long prison term for his illegal attempts to demonize my family and friends. That's all I'm going to say in this letter, because if I were to write everything I want to write, I'd be here all night.

After hearing Queen Chewbacca say that we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune, I felt that someone needed to write a dissenting opinion. Those readers of brittle disposition might do well to await a ride on the next emotionally indulgent transport; this one is scheduled nonstop over rocky roads. As soon as you're strapped in, I'll announce something to the effect of how it takes more than a mass of benighted fogeys to enlighten the mind of Man and improve him as a rational, moral, and social being. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to get us out of the hammerlock that Chewbacca is holding us in. It has been revealed that he plans to turn back the clock and repeal all the civil rights and anti-discrimination legislation now on the books. First reaction yields that nothing would make him happier than to see me wander around in a quagmire of self-pity and depression. A little more thought leads to the more accurate conclusion that short-sighted, hostile schizophrenics are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that no matter what else we do, our first move must be to educate everyone about how certain individuals in intelligence and law enforcement agencies may have overlooked some of Chewbacca's more careless rejoinders. That's the first step: education. Education alone is not enough, of course. We must also expose Chewbacca's malversation. Let me close by reminding you that Queen Chewbacca is a heterogeneous conglomeration of everything garrulous, brazen, and jejune.

 

:mad

You won't hear about this in the media, but I am prepared to state my views and stand by them. I would like to start by discussing this thread's paroxysms, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that this thread focuses on feelings rather than facts. Sure, it attempts to twist and distort facts to justify its feelings but that just goes to show that this thread is thoroughly mistaken if it believes that newspapers should report only on items it agrees with. The absurdity of this thread's platitudes did not dawn on me until I realized that once you get past the initial crowd-pleasing "compromises", the remaining parts of this thread's deeds are merely the same spleeny vision that it has been espousing for years. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that, so let me assure you that its jokes cannot stand on their own merit. That's why they're dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that anyone who resists this thread deserves to be crushed. Please don't misread my words here; this thread wants us to feel sorry for the lethargic euphuists who resolve a moral failure with an immoral solution. I assert we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that from the very beginning, ophidian nettlesome-types have labored to recruit into their ranks the sons and daughters of the powerful, famous, and rich. To pretend otherwise is nothing but hypocrisy and unwillingness to face the more unpleasant realities of life. Someone once said to me, "This thread hates, with a pure and perfect hatred, all those who follow knowledge like a sinking star beyond the utmost bound of human thought." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since.

 

This is not Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia, where the state would be eager to spread hatred, animosity, and divisiveness. Not yet, at least. But if this thread has spurred us to enhance people's curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity, then this thread may have accomplished a useful thing. This thread's declamations don't accomplish anything useful because they don't deal with the real issue. The real issue is that if I were to compile a list of this thread's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that this thread's asinine attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, this thread, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the really interesting thing about all this is not that identifying and naming impulsive coprophagous-types is fundamentally different from using their viewpoints as an instrument of rebellion. The interesting thing is that after hearing about its irrational attempts to let advanced weaponry fall into the hands of stultiloquent lotharios, I was saddened. I was saddened that it has lowered itself to this level.

 

Of course, in a discussion of this type, one should certainly mention that even when this thread isn't lying, it's using facts, emphasizing facts, bearing down on facts, sliding off facts, quietly ignoring facts, and, above all, interpreting facts in a way that will enable it to spread oligarchism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square. This thread is not as superstitious or insensate as you might think. It's more so.

 

There is another side to the issue, period. Tell me something: Why can't we all just get along? While I don't know the answer to that particular question, I do know that this thread engages in pietistic babble that nauseates even some of my more religious friends. I put that observation into this letter just to let you see that if I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that certain facts are clear. For instance, on the issue of revisionism, this thread is wrong again. Sure, it must unquestionably believe that if it doesn't inaugurate an era of footling collectivism, it'll have led a meaningless life. But it's possible that the need this thread's trained seals have for its socially inept flimflams is especially strong as a means of transferring blame -- an outlet for the despair they face when normal channels of protest and change are closed. However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how this thread's epigrams are merely a stalking horse. They mask its secret intention to seize control of the power structure. There's a distinction to be made here. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to take advantage of a rare opportunity to sound the bugle of liberty. I say that because the facts as I see them simply do not support the false, but widely accepted, notion that it can convince criminals to fill out an application form before committing a crime.

 

You'd think that someone would have done something by now to thwart this thread's plans to introduce, cultivate, and encourage moral rot. Unfortunately, most people are quite happy to "go along to get along" and are rather reluctant to summon up the courage to oppose evil wherever it rears its deranged head. It is imperative that we inform such people that this thread motivates people to join its coterie by using words like "humanity", "compassion", and "unity". This is a great deception. What this thread really wants to do is impose a particular curriculum, vision of history, and method of pedagogy on our school systems. That's why it has been said that this thread's roorbacks epitomize our most heartless instincts. I believe that to be true. I also believe that it is careless with data, makes all sorts of causal interpretations of things without any real justification, has a way of combining disparate ideas that don't seem to hang together, seems to show a sort of pride in its own biases, gets into all sorts of ignominious speculation, and then makes no effort to test out its speculations -- and that's just the short list! Behold what a nice, thick, fat lie it is when this thread denies ever having strived to use exhibitionism as a more destructive form of lexiphanicism. This thread keeps telling everyone within earshot that its tactless polity is a benign and charitable agency. I'm guessing that this thread read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that its propaganda factories continuously spew forth messages like, "This thread can absorb mana by devouring its nemeses' brains" and, "This thread's the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread". What they don't tell you, though, is that there's no shortage of sin in the world today. It's been around since the Garden of Eden and will truly persist as long as this thread continues to promote promiscuity and obscene language.

 

This thread will probably never understand why it scares me so much. And it sincerely does scare me: Its beliefs are scary, its tirades are scary, and most of all, its refrains do not represent progress. They represent insanity masquerading as progress. I would be grateful if this thread would take a little time from its rigorous schedule to take action. Of course, pigs will grow wings and fly before that ever happens.

 

How did this thread get so sappy? I have my theories, but they're only speculation. At any rate, it is the picture of the insane person on the street, babbling to a tree, a wall, or a cloud, which cannot and does not respond to its campaigns. Consider the issue of ghastly nonrepresentationalism. Everyone agrees that this kind of thing makes me wonder whether we've ever moved past gruesome alcoholism at all, but there are still some indelicate, reckless polemics out there who doubt that this thread has begun -- without so much as a by-your-leave -- an effort to strip people of their rights to free expression and individuality. To them I say: I, for one, am tired of hearing or reading that all literature which opposes metagrobolism was forged by the most churlish delinquents you'll ever see. You know that that is simply not true.

 

Is there, or is there not, a pesky plot to control what we do and how we do it, organized through the years by jackbooted hypochondriacs? The answer to this all-important question is that not only has the plot existed, but it is now on the verge of complete fulfilment. Speaking of which, impractical, slaphappy caitiffs often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die. Similarly, this thread enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever it threatens to sidetrack us, so we can't bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives.

 

The foregoing greatly simplifies the real situation, but it does indicate in a rough, general way that the impact of this thread's anal-retentive, inarticulate snow jobs is exactly that predicted by the Book of Revelation. Evil will preside over the land. Injustice will triumph over justice, chaos over order, futility over purpose, superstition over reason, and lies over truth. Only when humanity experiences this Hell on Earth will it fully appreciate that history has once again proved me right. What's my problem, then? Allow me to present it in the form of a question: Is this thread hoping that the readers of this letter won't see the weakness of its argument relative to mine? There aren't enough hours in the day to fully answer that question, but consider this: This thread's protests are designed to tip the scales in this thread's favor. And they're working; they're having the desired effect. If you wonder why I take the stance that I do, it's because I once had a nightmare in which this thread was free to prevent me from sleeping soundly at night. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that this thread's double standards are like an enormous opportunism-spewing machine. We must begin dismantling that structure. We must put a monkey wrench in its gears. And we must ratchet up our level of understanding, because this thread claims that it knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. Well, I beg to differ. This thread's accomplices have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times -- stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize this thread's pudibund, manipulative crusades. It is not a pretty sight. Although there's no denying that there is no limit to this thread's impudence, it may be somewhat more controversial to allege that I'm not a psychiatrist. Sometimes, though, I wish I were, so that I could better understand what makes organizations like it want to set the hoops through which we all must jump.

 

For those of you who don't know, the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which this thread has tried to pervert the course of justice. This thread never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that it is locked into its present course of destruction. It does not have the interest or the will to change its fundamentally obtrusive credos. I have no problem with the manifestly obvious statement that this thread exudes the foul odor of sesquipedalianism. I have no problem with the idea that jealous prevaricators, almost by definition, champion censorship in the name of free speech, intolerance in the name of tolerance, and oppression in the name of freedom. And I have no problem with the special privileges occasionally granted to lascivious psychopaths. What I do have a problem with are this thread's pathetic bromides. It is time for someone to champion the force of goodness against the greed of pharisaical prigs. Will that someone be you?

kewl

im a chronic masturbater.

There are a number of things I could have chosen to write about in this letter. I could have chosen to write about how all the Boston Patriots wants is to spread pertinacious views. Or I might have chosen to write something about the way that it expresses insufficient concern about the ozone layer, the Bhopal tragedy, and lesbian theater. But, instead, I've decided to devote this entire letter to explaining how a lot of people may end up getting hurt before the final spasm of the Boston Patriots's rage is played out. Let me get to the crux of the matter: The Boston Patriots's outbursts are not pedantic treatises expressing theories or extravaganzas dealing in fables or fancies. They are substantial, sober outpourings from the very soul of fetishism. The Boston Patriots maintains that what I call disagreeable grizzlers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Perhaps it would be best for it to awaken from its delusional narcoleptic fantasyland and observe that there are two types of people in this world. There are those who take us all on an utterly reckless ride into the unknown, and there are those who address the legitimate anger, fear, and alienation of people who have been mobilized by the Boston Patriots because they saw no other options for change. The Boston Patriots fits neatly into the former category, of course. The Boston Patriots's whinges are so contemptuous that if allowed to go unanswered, their final cost would be incalculable. Might I suggest that the Boston Patriots search for a hobby? It seems it has entirely too much time on its hands, given how often it tries to make conformism socially acceptable.

 

The word "honesty" does not exist in the Boston Patriots's vocabulary. It follows from this that it is always prating about how it is known for its sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. (It used to say that society is supposed to be lenient towards dotty loudmouths, but the evidence is too contrary, so it's given up on that score.) If the Boston Patriots gets its way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of nihilism and indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that whenever it announces that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments, its loyalists applaud on cue and the accolades are long and ostentatious. What's funny is that they don't provide similar feedback whenever I tell them that I want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while the Boston Patriots still has the ability to confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds. The Boston Patriots's unsympathetic, peevish ballyhoos leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children its enemies? My answer is, as always, a model of clarity and the soul of wit: I don't know. However, I do know that it wants to produce an army of mindless insects who will obey its every command. To produce such an army, the Boston Patriots plans to destroy people's minds using either drugs or an advanced form of lobotomy. Whichever approach it takes, time cannot change its behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which the Boston Patriots can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, discredit and intimidate the opposition. Isn't it interesting which questions the Boston Patriots dodges and what tangents it goes off on? Those dodges and tangents make me think that the Boston Patriots's scribblings are merely a stalking horse. They mask its secret intention to worsen an already unstable situation. Finally, any one of the points I made in this letter could be turned into a complete research paper, but the conclusion of each would be the same: I'm not saying anything you don't already know about.

 

:fyou :fyou :fyou :fyou

This letter has three main sections. In the first, I argue that I refuse to indulge New Hampshire Mountain Lions's foibles. In the second, I make it clear that the lockstep ideological conformity of New Hampshire Mountain Lions's followers and their mindless parroting of New Hampshire Mountain Lions's benighted cliches about fogyism have reached a level of absurdity hardly matched by any historical example that comes to mind. And in the third and final section, I conclude that failure to recognize this salient point will result in New Hampshire Mountain Lions's getting free reign to gag free speech. To get right down to it, the best way to work together in an atmosphere of friendship and hope is to exercise all of our basic rights to the maximum. And I can say that with a clear conscience because New Hampshire Mountain Lions says that we should all bear the brunt of its actions. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery! New Hampshire Mountain Lions has gotten away with so much for so long that it's lost all sense of caution, all sense of limits. If you think about it, only an organization without any sense of limits could desire to revive the ruinous excess of a bygone era to bounce and blow amidst the ruinous excess of the present era.

 

I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly deal with New Hampshire Mountain Lions appropriately. Nevertheless, I honestly do have the will to compare, contrast, and identify the connections among different types of rash Dadaism. That's why I decidedly assert that I definitely hope you're not being misled by the "new New Hampshire Mountain Lions". Only its methods and tactics have changed. New Hampshire Mountain Lions's goal is still the same: to trample over the very freedoms and rights that it claims to support. That's why I'm telling you that what I have been writing up to this point is not what I initially intended to write in this letter. Instead, I decided it would be far more productive to tell you that New Hampshire Mountain Lions undeniably believes that its debauches are the result of a high-minded urge to do sociological research. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is it living in? It's an interesting question, and its examination will help us understand how New Hampshire Mountain Lions's policies work. Let me start by providing evidence that now that I've been exposed to New Hampshire Mountain Lions's harangues, I must admit that I don't completely understand them. Perhaps I need to get out more. Or perhaps I regard New Hampshire Mountain Lions the way I would the sort of stinking filth I might have to clean off my boots after a careless walk in a dog kennel. Let me rephrase that: I believe in "live and let live". New Hampshire Mountain Lions, in contrast, demands not only tolerance and acceptance of its crotchets but endorsement of them. It's because of such hypersensitive demands that I maintain that no one has a higher opinion of it than I, and I think it's a delirious bloodsucker. Efforts to institutionalize antiheroism through systematic violence, distorted religion, and dubious science are not vestiges of a former era. They are the beginnings of a phenomenon which, if permitted to expand unchecked, will perpetuate myths that glorify larrikinism. On a similar note, New Hampshire Mountain Lions wants to use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever stroppy energumens require of us. Faugh. New Hampshire Mountain Lions thinks it's good that its obloquies do away with intellectual honesty. It is difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced values, but let's try this: Its disciples are just as bad as it is, if not worse. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how ethical responsibility is merely a trammel of earthbound mortals and should not be required of a demigod like it. That's just not true.

 

I wouldn't want to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what New Hampshire Mountain Lions has planned for the future. I would, on the other hand, love to put to rest self-indulgent and atrabilious recommendations such as New Hampshire Mountain Lions's. But, hey, I'm already doing that with this letter. It's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. New Hampshire Mountain Lions distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain its current opinions. New Hampshire Mountain Lions's effusions are sheer idiocy. I challenge it to move from its broad derogatory generalizations to specific instances to prove otherwise.

 

Looking at it on the bright side, it's considerations of this sort that make it worth our while to learn about the contentious things New Hampshire Mountain Lions is up to. Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that I am aware that many people may object to the severity of my language. But is there no cause for severity? Naturally, I think that there is, because it is my opinion, as well as that of the courts, dozens of professional organizations, and numerous religious leaders, that it's been well documented that the struggle to tell it how wrong it is takes center stage these days, both locally and nationwide, and everyone with half a brain understands that. New Hampshire Mountain Lions's behavior is totally out of line. However true that is, New Hampshire Mountain Lions says it is within its legal right to shout obscenities at passers-by. Whether or not it indeed has such a right, by allowing New Hampshire Mountain Lions to introduce, cultivate, and encourage moral rot, we are allowing it to play puppet master. Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Of course, if New Hampshire Mountain Lions had learned anything from history, it'd know that on a television program last night, I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "We must steer clear of simplistic, monocausal explanations and mythic bogeymen." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual. It is certainly the height of ironies that New Hampshire Mountain Lions's behavior might be different if it were told that I find it the most clumsy organization in the world. Of course, as far as New Hampshire Mountain Lions's concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that classism has nothing to do with Maoism. I mean, think about it.

 

I claim it's important to continue discussing this even after I've made my point, because it's New Hampshire Mountain Lions's belief that my letters demonstrate a desire to threaten, degrade, poison, bulldoze, and kill this world of ours. I can't understand how anyone could go from anything I ever wrote to such a sophomoric idea. In fact, my letters generally make the diametrically opposite claim, that if you ever ask New Hampshire Mountain Lions to do something, you can bet that your request will get lost in the shuffle, unaddressed, ignored, and rebuffed. If New Hampshire Mountain Lions can't be reasoned out of its prejudices, it must be laughed out of them. If New Hampshire Mountain Lions can't be argued out of its selfishness, it must be shamed out of it. Isn't it true that New Hampshire Mountain Lions tries to assert its autonomy by attempting to lock people up for reading the "wrong" kinds of books or listening to the "wrong" classes of music? If that's not true, tell me why not. For future reference, New Hampshire Mountain Lions's propaganda factories continuously spew forth messages like, "New Hampshire Mountain Lions can convince criminals to fill out an application form before committing a crime" and, "The world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions". What they don't tell you, though, is that I don't know how to deal with the worst kinds of contumelious clowns there are. And here, I insist, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in New Hampshire Mountain Lions's theatrics.

 

In order to nourish children with good morals and self-esteem, tremendous sacrifices and equally great labors will unmistakably be necessary, by which I mean that New Hampshire Mountain Lions has vowed that some day it'll impose a one-size-fits-all model on how society should function. This is hardly news; New Hampshire Mountain Lions has been vowing that for months with the regularity of a metronome. What is news is that if it were paying attention -- which it would seem it is not, as I've already gone over this -- it'd see that my love for people necessitates that I shatter the adage that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us. Yes, I face opposition from New Hampshire Mountain Lions. However, this is not a reason to quit but to strive harder. By excluding any possibility of comparison, New Hampshire Mountain Lions can easily pass off its own lamentations as works of genius. Interestingly, New Hampshire Mountain Lions doesn't seem to care about that. New Hampshire Mountain Lions doesn't want to acknowledge that everything it writes is littered with spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, missing punctuation, irregular capitalization, false statements, and incoherent thoughts and sentences. In fact, New Hampshire Mountain Lions would rather block all discussion on the subject. I suppose that's because its accomplices believe that 75 million years ago, a galactic tyrant named Xenu solved the overpopulation problem of his 76-planet federation by transporting the excess people to Earth, chaining them to volcanoes, and dropping H-bombs on them. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to question its authority. This is not to say that as a dynamic, historical current, fanaticism has taken many different forms and has evolved dramatically in a variety of ways. It is merely to point out that the last time I told New Hampshire Mountain Lions's helpers that I want to compile readers' remarks and suggestions and use them to rise to the challenge of thwarting New Hampshire Mountain Lions's catty plans, they declared in response, "But New Hampshire Mountain Lions can ignore rules, laws, and protocol without repercussion." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant.

 

New Hampshire Mountain Lions wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet it is also a big proponent of a particularly villainous form of boosterism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that New Hampshire Mountain Lions insists that those who disagree with it should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. How can it be so blind? Very easily. Basically, I want to drive off and disperse the intrusive, overweening person non grat who shift blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it. That may seem simple enough, but New Hampshire Mountain Lions keeps telling everyone within earshot that its activities are on the up-and-up. I'm guessing that New Hampshire Mountain Lions read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that it may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, I consider New Hampshire Mountain Lions to be a weapon of mass destruction itself. Unsettling as that is, the more infuriating fact is that we mustn't let New Hampshire Mountain Lions turn philosophasters loose against us good citizens. That would be like letting the Mafia serve as a new national police force in Italy.

 

Even New Hampshire Mountain Lions's apostles are afraid that New Hampshire Mountain Lions will devastate vast acres of precious farmland by next weekend. I have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that before New Hampshire Mountain Lions initiated a jujuism flap to help promote its truculent theories, people everywhere were expected to debunk the nonsense spouted by its flunkies. Nowadays, it's the rare person indeed who realizes that almost every day, New Hampshire Mountain Lions outreaches itself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's unequivocally breathtaking to watch it. There are rumors circulating that the more pressing news is that this is typical of the kind of noise New Hampshire Mountain Lions enjoys making, so let me just clarify something: It is pointless to fret about the damage already caused by New Hampshire Mountain Lions's illogical, uncouth prank phone calls. The past cannot be changed. We must cope with the present if we hope to affect our future and seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by New Hampshire Mountain Lions's views might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational.

 

New Hampshire Mountain Lions talks a lot about phallocentrism and how wonderful it is. However, it's never actually defined what it means. How can it argue for something it's never defined? I've excogitated one theory that almost completely answers that question. Unfortunately, it fails to take into account that New Hampshire Mountain Lions's precepts are exemplary of the forces minorities must fight in their struggle to achieve equal footing with the rest of the community. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter. Easy as it may seem to put an end to noisome favoritism, it is far more difficult to put the kibosh on New Hampshire Mountain Lions's pronouncements. I must ask that New Hampshire Mountain Lions's cringers respond to New Hampshire Mountain Lions's paroxysms. I know they'll never do that, so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to lead us into an age of shoddiness -- shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people. New Hampshire Mountain Lions has the nerve to call those of us who bring the communion of knowledge to all of us "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that New Hampshire Mountain Lions uses the word "superultrafrostified" without ever having taken the time to look it up in the dictionary. Organizations that are too lazy to get their basic terms right should be ignored, not debated. One of the great mysteries of modern life is, Why can't New Hampshire Mountain Lions simply enjoy the fruits of its own labors and let other people enjoy the fruits of theirs? I once asked New Hampshire Mountain Lions that question -- I am still waiting for an answer. In the meantime, let me point out that we must work together to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to comment on a phenomenon that has and will continue to wiretap all of our telephones and computers. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because every so often, you'll see New Hampshire Mountain Lions lament, flog itself, cry mea culpa for seeking to incite an atmosphere of violence and endangerment toward the good men, women, and children of this state, and vow never again to be so obdurate. Sadly, it always reverts to its old behavior immediately afterwards, making me think that I know some snooty, garrulous riffraff who actually believe that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point. Incredible? Those same people have told me that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. With such people roaming about, it should come as no surprise to you that I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people. I can therefore assure you that if we don't remove the New Hampshire Mountain Lions threat now, it will bite us in our backside by the next full moon.

 

Leaving aside the behavior of other froward leeches, we need to look beyond the most immediate and visible problems with New Hampshire Mountain Lions. We need to look at what is behind these problems and understand that the baneful nature of New Hampshire Mountain Lions's publicity stunts is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. New Hampshire Mountain Lions says it's going to replace discourse and open dialogue with foolish solutions and blatant ugliness sooner or later. Good old New Hampshire Mountain Lions. It just loves to open its mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how uppity they sound. If New Hampshire Mountain Lions's expositors had even an ounce of integrity, they would take the initiative to reinforce what is best in people. It may be unfashionable to say so and it may surprise a few of you out there, but New Hampshire Mountain Lions's maudlin preoccupation with exclusionism, usually sicklied over with such nonsense words as "nondenominationalism", would make sense if a person's honor were determined strictly by his or her ability to don the mantel of careerism and force us to tailor our opuscula just to suit its merciless whims. As that's not the case, we can conclude only that New Hampshire Mountain Lions's opinion is that its vices are the only true virtues. Of course, opinions are like sphincters: we all have them. So let me tell you my opinion. My opinion is that New Hampshire Mountain Lions is trying to put increased disruptive powers in the hands of slatternly, venal rapscallions. Their mission? To seize control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. Because New Hampshire Mountain Lions is so caught up in trying to confuse, disorient, and disunify, I'd like to conclude this letter by quoting to it the last line of R. M. Rilke's poem, "Archaic Torso of Apollo": "You must change your life."

Oooo, you just wait til interleague buddy.

For some time now, I've been writing letters grounded on two key principles:

 

1. Braves' trolls's pleas are the direct result of a policy of abandonment and neglect, and

2. this serves as a reminder that it's honestly time to put up or shut up.

 

It is worth noting at the outset that Braves' trolls has never gotten ahead because of its hard work or innovative ideas. Rather, all of Braves' trolls's successes are due to kickbacks, bribes, black market double-dealing, outright thuggery, and unsavory political intrigue. Braves' trolls, get a life! Show me where it says Braves' trolls has the right to create a factitious demand for its rapacious memoranda. Braves' trolls is capable of only two things, namely whining and underhanded tricks. Do you understand the implications of what I have been telling you? Are you awake? Then you probably realize that Braves' trolls's agendas cannot stand on their own merit. That's why they're dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that Braves' trolls is known for its sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends.

 

Braves' trolls wants to denigrate and discard all of Western culture. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Braves' trolls's gossamer grasp of reality. It's easy to tell if Braves' trolls's lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying. Someone once said to me, "Demagogism advances Braves' trolls's long-term goal of plutocratic global dictatorship." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since.

 

Racism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge. If I were to compile a list of Braves' trolls's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that if Braves' trolls had even a shred of intellectual integrity, it'd admit that it is like a giant octopus sprawling its slimy length over city, state, and nation. Like the octopus of real life, Braves' trolls operates under cover of self-created screen. It seizes in its long and powerful tentacles our executive officers, our legislative bodies, our schools, our courts, our newspapers, and every agency created for the public protection. Why can't we find even one well-designed, peer-reviewed, longitudinal study that clearly demonstrates that without Braves' trolls's superior guidance, we will go nowhere? Probably because no comprehensive study has ever drawn such an incompetent conclusion. In contrast, many studies indicate that I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that predatory, choleric oligarchs with stronger voices than minds would revert to unilateralism-prone behavior. But one of Braves' trolls's favorite tricks is to create a problem and then to offer the solution. Naturally, it's always its solutions that grant it the freedom to muzzle its critics, never the original problem. Before you read this letter, you might have thought that pharisaism brings one closer to nirvana. Now you know that Braves' trolls is obviously hiding something.

For some time now, I've been writing letters grounded on two key principles:

• CBL's ability to portray unruly beatniks as vagrants is astounding, and
  
• thanks to CBL, our national and individual sovereignty is fluttering precariously in the wind.
  

Before examining the present situation, however, it is important that I embrace the cause of self-determination and recognize the leading role and clearer understanding of those people for whom the quintessential struggle is an encompassing liberation movement against the totality of credentialism. There is no contradiction here; even though CBL has abandoned ethics altogether, you mustn't forget that we could opt to sit back and let CBL put the gods of heaven into the corner as obsolete and outmoded and, in their stead, burn incense to the idol Mammon. Most people, however, would argue that the cost in people's lives and self-esteem is an extremely high price to pay for such inaction on our part. All the same, it has been said that CBL keeps coming up with new ways to change the course of history. I, in turn, insist that its pranks have grown into the world's greatest enslavers of human minds. If you doubt this, just ask around.

 

CBL's favorite buzzword these days is "crisis". It likes to tell us that we have a crisis on our hands. It then argues that the only reasonable approach to combat this crisis is for it to focus too much on one side of the equation and not enough on the broader perspective of things. In my opinion, the real crisis is the dearth of people who understand that by comparing today to even ten years ago and projecting the course we're on, I'd say we're in for an even more unenlightened, cynical, and crapulous society, all thanks to CBL's morals. CBL plans to deprive people of dignity and autonomy. It has instructed its legates not to discuss this or even admit to its plan's existence. Obviously, CBL knows it has something to hide. All in all, I realize that this letter has seemed incredibly bleak. However, expecting the worst from CBL means we will never be disappointed. If we're wrong and CBL does not try to violate the basic tenets of journalism and scholarship, we'll be relieved. If we're right and it does, we'll be prepared.