Miguel Cabrera Hits Dismal .194 In Fight With Wife

- 10/10/09

 

New Hank Aaron Biography Reveals He Hated Hitting Home Runs

- 5/24/10

 

Chicago Cubs Cant Believe They're Doing This Again

 

 

CHICAGO—Cubs players, coaches, and management expressed disbelief Thursday, questioning whether they were out of their minds for participating in another Major League Baseball season.

"Why the hell are we still putting ourselves through this?" left fielder Alfonso Soriano said during an Opening Day press conference, adding that no one on the team has ever been happy at the end of the season, during the season, or at the beginning of the season, which, according to Soriano, is when everyone actually feels the most hopeless. "We just have to admit to ourselves that the Chicago Cubs should not be playing in a professional baseball league. Can we all just do that and put an end to this misery?"

While attending his last batting practice before Opening Day, third baseman Aramis Ramirez acknowledged he has struggled to understand why the Cubs would bother playing in yet another pointless baseball season when, he said, it will be abundantly clear a month before the All-Star break that the team has no chance of getting to the World Series.

Growing increasingly frustrated, Ramirez slammed his helmet to the ground and launched into a tirade, saying that agreeing to take part in another 162 games was a waste of everyone's time.

"Another spring, summer, and fall out the f***ing window," Ramirez said as several of his teammates, coaches, and team chairman Tom Ricketts nodded their heads in agreement. "I don't even know why we're here. Seriously, Ryan [Dempster], why are you here right now? Kosuke [Fukudome], what do you expect to get out of all this? Kerry [Wood], that you came back to this team after playing for the New York Yankees makes me f***ing sick to my stomach for you and your family."

"Year after year we all know this is going to end badly, but here we are," Ramirez added. "It's the very definition of insanity."

Manager Mike Quade, visibly exasperated by a spring training he described as "the same old pathetic sh*t," echoed the sentiment of his players, admitting that the Cubs were destined to put all of their fans, family, and friends through hell in a "miserable, futile season." Insisting the Cubs would accomplish nothing special in 2011, Quade predicted the team would temporarily raise expectations after a fairly decent start, lose several key players to injuries, fall into a slump for two crucial months, and then provide a torturous glimmer of hope with a brief comeback that would ultimately be followed by complete and utter collapse.

Quade added that even if the Cubs were to somehow make the World Series, they would inevitably lose in a devastating fashion that would physically and emotionally destroy anyone associated with the team in any way for decades to come.

"There's nothing I can do as a manager that's going to make a difference," said Quade, who in between hitting ground balls to his infielders could be heard mumbling, "I hate my life." "Christ, am I really about to put myself through six excruciating months of tinkering with batting orders and pitching rotations as if we have a serious shot of ending a century of mediocrity? It's f***ed up, but the answer is yes. And hearing myself say that makes me feel like I'm having a massive anxiety attack."

"Every time I walk out to the mound I just assure the guys that at least we will all be dead eventually," Quade continued.

When asked to voice their thoughts on the hopeful promise of Opening Day, several Cubs responded with "Ugh," "Not this crap again," "Thanks for ruining a perfectly nice day, asshole," "We're going nowhere," and "Please, make this nightmare stop."

Despite the rampant cynicism and despair coming from the Cubs' clubhouse, team president Crane Kenney remained optimistic, saying there was still hope that a wealthy investor would eventually buy the franchise and mercifully shut it down for good.

"Some of the folks around here say that I'm a dreamer, or that I have my head in the clouds because I believe there's somebody out there who will save us from the Cubs," Kenney said. "But if that's the case, then I'm no more deluded than those poor f***s in the stands who actually believe the Cubs will win a World Series in their lifetimes."

"I guess they're the most pathetic in all of this, because they choose to come back," Kenney added. "And pay good money to do so."

 

 

- 4/1/11

 

Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls

- 11/1/11

Turns Out Craig Counsell Was Actually Best Baseball Player Of Steroid Era

 

2-12-2009

That Miggy one had me rolling :lol

Angels Hoping They Can Get Mike Napoli Back Now That They Have Albert Pujols And C.J. Wilson To Trade

ANAHEIM, CA—After spending $330 million on big-time free agents Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels officials said Monday they now feel they have the pieces in place to make a trade for former Angels catcher Mike Napoli. "At first we thought we could make a run at Mike by offering a player-for-player trade, but we ultimately realized the Rangers would probably want more than just C.J. Wilson," said general manager Jerry Dipoto, adding that getting back the lifetime .264 hitter is the team's top priority. "So we signed Albert Pujols. And if the Rangers aren't willing to accept both of those guys, which I completely understand, we've already inked a $140 million contract with Prince Fielder." Dipoto said that when he presented the deal to Nolan Ryan, the Rangers president was speechless, prompting Dipoto to throw in every single Angels draft pick through 2034.

I knew the Angels had a master plan :devil

Suns Ownership Continually Dropping Hints To Steve Nash That He Should Demand Trade

Player To Be Named Later From 1992 Trade Finally Named: 'It Was Lenny Dykstra,' Says Phillies GM

Prince Fielder Reports To Spring Training Exactly The Right Amount Overweight

After 1 Week In New York Tim Tebow Already A Gay, Homeless Crack Addict

Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball StadiumMIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea what the structure would be used for, despite having built baseball stadiums in the past. "We installed a big pool back there, so maybe all the seats are for people waiting in line to swim?" said foreman Frank Davies, sealing one of the large, inexplicable dual aquarium tanks behind home plate. "But there's that giant rainbow thing with the pink flamingos we built at the edge of the grass that sometimes lights up and moves like a windmill, so I'd say my best guess is this is a really big miniature golf hole or a theme park for disabled children." Major League Baseball has yet to rule the field fit for play, as the stadium has no traditional dugouts, Marlins management having opting instead for two giant sets of wax lips.

Miami Marlins Construction Crew Completely Unaware They've Been Building Baseball StadiumMIAMI—Speaking with reporters while putting the finishing touches on Miami's new stadium Saturday, construction workers at Marlins Park admitted they had no idea what the structure would be used for, despite having built baseball stadiums in the past. "We installed a big pool back there, so maybe all the seats are for people waiting in line to swim?" said foreman Frank Davies, sealing one of the large, inexplicable dual aquarium tanks behind home plate. "But there's that giant rainbow thing with the pink flamingos we built at the edge of the grass that sometimes lights up and moves like a windmill, so I'd say my best guess is this is a really big miniature golf hole or a theme park for disabled children." Major League Baseball has yet to rule the field fit for play, as the stadium has no traditional dugouts, Marlins management having opting instead for two giant sets of wax lips.

 

LMAO, hilarious.

Yankees Warn Eduardo Nunez To Stop Showing Up Derek Jeter By Making Routine Plays At Shortstop

NEW YORK—Multiple reports from within the New York Yankees clubhouse confirmed Saturday that team officials have warned shortstop Eduardo Nunez to stop showing up injured team captain Derek Jeter by making routine plays in the field and at the plate. “Every cleanly fielded ground ball sends a pretty strong message that Eduardo is trying to upstage Derek,� said Yankees manager Joe Girardi, who blasted Nunez for having the audacity to turn a double play without a throwing error, claiming the commonplace display of physical capabilities clearly reminds fans of Jeter’s advancing age and declining skills. “He needs to just cut it out; he’s making Derek look bad. Last week, when Eduardo legged out an infield single, that was like a direct slap in the face to our team captain.� Girardi, however, lauded third baseman Kevin Youkilis for helping everybody forget that Alex Rodriguez is still on the team.