nobody

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales an d get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services." Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

The population of this country is 300 million. 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your butt, At your computer, reading jokes. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!! Nice. Real nice

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first. 8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Jax Pit Cin NYG Car Ind TB StL Dal Min Sea Chi NYJ Den NE Phi 8-8

Indy Min StL Den Hou Was NE GB Pit Jax SD Det Sea Dal Cin SF 14-2

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "4 months vacation and five good leads."

Yes, you love his AFLAC commercial, so here are some other famous Yogi Berra Quotes Hey Yogi, what time is it? You mean now? Eighty percent of putts that fall short don't go in. Slump? I ain't in no slump, I just ain't hitting. You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left. Yogi, I went to see Dr. Zhivago today. Yogi: Now what's wrong with You? It gets late early out there. I really didn't say everything I said. Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical. You can observe a lot by watching. In baseball, you don't know nothing. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. I usually take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four. If people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to stop them. On Yogi Berra appreciation day in St. Louis 1947: I want to thank you all for making this day necessary. On why the Yankees lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh: We made too many wrong mistakes.

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall ! A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big breasts."

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up you r heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.! Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!

Two Indians and a Kentucky Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN......!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it take s. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Never put a woman to the test!

I hope nobody gets you a gift. :mischief Maybe. You dick. :nono Tsk, Tsk. Such language.

Ed wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot Girl at his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Ed got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO." Ed said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and Ed accepts the arrangement. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all nickels!" Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A rich North Carolina man had a party and invited all his neighbors, including Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating and flirting with all the women. The host said, "I have a 10-foot long man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool. Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Finally, Leroy slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

Jack Daniel's Whiskey Bacardi 151 Bacardi Superior Peppermint Schnapps Wintergreen Schnapps Captain Morgan's Cocoanut Rum Sorry Brad, that's only 4 actual bottles of liquor. You need to re-stock NOW. Actually, the Schnapps is 100 proof, almost twice at alcoholic as the the Cocoanut Rum (48 Proof) Isn't there a man law against flavored liquor? Flavored vodka. Flavored rum. Beer with sh*t injected into it. The biggest mistakes introduced to mankind. What's the only untainted drink out there now? Whiskey? As a side note, are there any Scotch drinkers in the house? Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that man-law only applies to Beer, not hard liquor. I'm just trying to figure out how he doesn't classify 151 as untainted...only whiskey. BTW I swear that post said that schnapps was only 80 proof last night

A VERY touching story: There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and read: Dear God: I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into there wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely, Edna

*They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored t o be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3. Chili # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili. Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili. Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili. Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 - Dave's Black Magic. Judge # 1 -- B lack bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover. Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her ch ili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety. Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally t hrew in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili. Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Bob feels his name is creative, he isn't sure why he wasn't nominated as well. Nevertheless the winner of this award is nobody. Oh, Great! Now that I won something, I'm a somebody instead of a nobody. Man, does this suck!

Here in Noplace, the temp is no problem (74 in the AC)

Bryozoans are very small aquatic creatures, usually only about a few millimeters in size, but they are almost always found in large colonies. The freshwater ones typically grow in large jelly-like cololnies that can get large enough to clog water intakes. Marine varieties gather on ship hulls, dock pilings, and just about anything else. The marine varieties are also partially responsible for the limestone bedrock throughout South Florida, having formed in large colonies (similar to coral) when the area was the bed of a warm shallow sea as recently as 10,000 years ago. Thier fossilized remains are what form the majority of limestone here (even though most people think it is coral. the best way to tell...you can find fossils of coral within the bryozoan limestone.) The substance bryostatin is from a common marine variety, and is currently being tested for anti-cancer properties.

I still want Herges gone.... That has a lot to do with this thread. Listen here noob....this is a thread about the pen and Herges is in the pen......Use your screen name He is. It is a thread about Tank, not dumping Herges.

Trust me, you can read it without a problem. So much for spelling.. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Cool Personality Test

Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"? A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace