A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

 

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years the job still sucks.

 

Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?

A: Because cowboys eat with their hats on!

 

What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."

 

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

A: the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

 

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

 

What do you get when you cross a fortune teller with a prostitute?

Your whoroscope!

 

Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said "Crabs!"

 

What are three two-letter words that mean small?

"Is it in?"

 

14. The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

 

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

 

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, ?If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!?

 

Q: what is foreplay for a blonde?

A: thirty minutes of begging.

 

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

 

Q: what is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

A: some traffic signs say stop.

 

This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.

The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.

?But what about the pickle slicer,? asked the wife, perplexed. ?Oh, she liked it too,? answered the husband.

 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

:lol

 

 

 

LMAOROFL

awesomeness...

 

anymore? I love em!

And the list continues.

 

 

 

Kids in the back of a car may cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of a car may cause kids.

 

A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a

man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his

coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see

your ticket, not your stub."

 

Why is apple juice better than orange juice?

Because O.J. will kill you.

 

How does the L.A.P.D. play poker?

Four clubs beats a King.

 

What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorraina Bobbit?

Are you going to eat that?

 

Knock-knock.

Who's there.

Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson who?

Congratulations! You're on the jury.

 

this guys wife had just been in a horrible car accident. the doctor calls the wifes husband. the doctor says, come down here right away. the guy gets there, the doctor tells him. your wife has been paralyzed sp? from the neck down. from now on, you will feed her, clothe her, help her go to the bathroom. from now on, your whole life will be dedicated to helping her. the guy is sobbing... so finally the doctor is feeling bad for him. the doctor goes. man, i'm just playin', she's dead!

 

How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, pedophiles don't screw light bulbs, they screw little children.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef strokin' off

How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, pedophiles don't screw light bulbs, they screw little children.

510406[/snapback]

Gold.

Question: What's half blue, half red, and has 36-DD breasts?

Answer: Who cares, look at the size of it's tits!

 

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.

 

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

 

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"

 

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."

 

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

 

Q: How do you make four old ladies to start cursing!"?

A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"

 

My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." "Really? What did he get?" "Fifteen years for theft."

what is the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!!!!!

 

what did the ghost say to the beehive?

boo-bees!!!

 

what did the buffalo say when he left his son?

bison!!

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

Did you see the movie about the cannibal that ate his mother-in-law?

It was named Gladiator

 

monica lewinksy walks into the dry cleaners and there is an old guy working at the cashier desk....monica says "id like to have these shirts dry cleaned. the old guy said "come again?" and monica said "no ketchup stains"

 

what do u call a small mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

 

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get

married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception

was excellent.

 

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name my daughter"

"Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"Denephew."

How did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

 

 

He ate a nine year old weiner.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

lol^

WARNING: SOME OF THE JOKES IN THIS REPLY MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. PLEASE TAKE CAUTION.

 

whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

the prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!

 

Your momma's like a hockey player, she changes her pads every 3 periods!!!

 

How do blonds brain cells die?

alone...

 

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the crisis center?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

 

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?

A: A Doberman on a children's playground!

 

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?

A: You can't gargle gravel

 

A guy walks into a bar with one dollar, really thirsty & hungry.

He sees that there is dollar beer & dollar chili.

With the one dollar he decides to buy the beer.

He walks up to the bar & orders a beer, noticing the guy next to him has a bowl of chili.

He's nursing this beer making it last, the whole time the guy next to him doesnt touch his chili.

He asks the guy "Are you going to eat that?"

"No man, you can have it."

So he slides that bowl over & starts chowing down.

At the bottom of the bowl he sees a big greasy dog turd.

After seeing the dog turd he barfs back into the bowl, sick to his stomach.

The guy next to him sez,"Yeah, that's as far as I got too!"

 

What is red, slimy, and crawling up your leg?

A homesick abortion!

 

what do you call a one dollar bill hanging out of a chicks pants?

dinner all you can eat for under a buck.

 

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker

cabinet.

 

 

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

 

 

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

 

 

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

 

 

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they

can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their

heads.

 

 

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

 

 

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

 

 

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

 

 

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?

Fingerpaint.

 

 

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

 

 

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you

next month.

 

 

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found

face down in Ricki Lake.

 

 

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table

doesn't have balls.

 

 

14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything

a lesbian won't.

 

 

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

 

 

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her

vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

 

 

17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians

in a fish market.

 

 

18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

 

So a guy goes to a diner for dinner one night. The waitress comes up to him to take his order, and he asks for a hamburger and a hotdog.

Awhile later she comes back and puts a plate with an empty hambuger roll on the table, and pulls the hamburger patty out from under her armpit. The guys says "Yeesh, why did you do that?" and the waitress says "I was just just keeping it warm for you!"

The guy thinks for just a moment and says "Cancel my hot dog."

 

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

 

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Son kills a butterfly.

Dad says no butter for 2 weeks.

Son kills a honeybee

Dad says no honey for 3 weeks

Mom kills a cockroach

Son turns to dad and says 'Are you going to tell her or am I.'

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other, "You Drive, I'll man the guns."

 

 

 

Why does a giraff have such a long neck?

Because his head is so far away from his body.

 

 

 

Two muffins are in an oven. The first muffin says, "Man, it's hot in here."

The second one says "Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!"

Son kills a butterfly.

Dad says no butter for 2 weeks.

Son kills a honeybee

Dad says no honey for 3 weeks

Mom kills a cockroach

Son turns to dad and says 'Are you going to tell her or am I.'

575728[/snapback]

 

:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol

these are great

:lol :lol :lol

 

Awesome jokes.

that is just too funny. i love the toad one. lmao!

this guys wife had just been in a horrible car accident. the doctor calls the wifes husband. the doctor says, come down here right away. the guy gets there, the doctor tells him. your wife has been paralyzed sp? from the neck down. from now on, you will feed her, clothe her, help her go to the bathroom. from now on, your whole life will be dedicated to helping her. the guy is sobbing... so finally the doctor is feeling bad for him. the doctor goes. man, i'm just playin', she's dead!

 

Son kills a butterfly.

Dad says no butter for 2 weeks.

Son kills a honeybee

Dad says no honey for 3 weeks

Mom kills a cockroach

Son turns to dad and says 'Are you going to tell her or am I.'

 

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name my daughter"

"Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"Denephew."

 

:lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol