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Hurricane Season


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We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're

going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob

out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.


(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new

to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for

the possibility that we'll get hit by the big one. Based on our insurance

industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step

hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least

three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this

sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start

with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:



If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that

might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer

not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to

pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance

business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an

insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to

the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop

you like used dental floss.



Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the

doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and



Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,

they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get

them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands

will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and

will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have

to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He

lives in Nebraska.


Hurricane Proofing your property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like

barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if

you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.



If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at

your driver's license; if it says Florida you live in a low-lying area.) The

purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home

when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic

jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other

evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.




If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them

now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with

strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water,

you will need the following supplies:


- 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power

goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the

bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)

- A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody

who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate


- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can

buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on

your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next

to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for

everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

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