HOW TO POOP AT WORK

 

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at

work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a

dump at work.

 

CROP DUSTING:

 

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a

whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful

when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has

been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY:

 

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there

are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going

into the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE:

 

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is

usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.

If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing

next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not

hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK:

 

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not

panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what

just occured.

 

COURTESY FLUSH:

 

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the

poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you

avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME:

 

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a

very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and

busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk

can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet

Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine

under his or her arm. Always look around the office

for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the

bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

 

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure

emergency pooping goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out

Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS:

 

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in

the building where you can least expect visitors. Try

floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR:

 

This is someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is

one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.

This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH:

 

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall is called a

Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,

or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is

very effective when used in conjunction with an

ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE:

 

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert

potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a

stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

WATERMELON:

 

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash

when hitting the toilet water. This is also an

embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming

on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET:

 

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an

Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

 

UNCLE TODD:

 

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger

around forever. This person could spend extended

lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on

the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to

poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as

well as other bathroom attendees.

*master of the camo-cough*

I'm definitely out of the closet

Out of the closet, but I like my Safe Haven for hygene purposes.

i had an uncle todd in the stall next to me yesterday... that bastard should read this

I've seen this before but when I first read it, I was dieing from laughter

I'm definitely out of the closet

i had an uncle todd in the stall next to me yesterday... that bastard should read this

:lol :lol :lol