IN MY OPINION

The Hialeah Marlins? Yeah, this team is really in trouble

By DAN LE BATARD

dlebatard@MiamiHerald.com

 

Marlins president David Samson says the potential stadium deal with Wayne Huizenga for land near Dolphins Stadium is all but dead.

 

The above is a terribly sad sentence.

 

Samson says the most plausible local option for a new baseball stadium is now Hialeah.

 

The above is one of the funniest sentences in the history of words.

 

The Hialeah Marlins? You could lock Dave Chappelle, Ali G, Frank Caliendo, Jon Stewart, Dane Cook and an armed United States vice president in a room for a decade and not produce something more uproarious than that. Say this on behalf of Hialeah politicians more competent than their Washington counterparts: When Hialeah lawmakers shoot their friends in the face, it is never, ever an accident.

 

Hialeah is viable for the Marlins at least in part because you can obviously get permits to build anything there.

 

As a bonus, some funding can come from the mayor selling suits out of the back of his van.

 

The swaying stadium can help the economy by selling out in the offseason for c**k fights.

 

But there is going to be some national controversy when a new tradition gets introduced to the national pastime -- the seventh-inning animal sacrifice.

 

At least there is something unifying about being able to marvel at how much the Marlins stink in two languages, three if you count the booing and heckling there will be in Spanglish.

 

PLAYFUL MOCKING

 

Before my hermanos get outraged about the fostering of stereotypes, I'm playfully mocking my own here. I'm Cuban-American.

 

My father spent two decades working in one of those charming Hialeah factories before retiring.

 

And my people tend to have a pretty good sense of humor about the quirky, insane place the Marlins are now considering.

 

That's how all those dead people kept re-lecting ex-Hialeah mayor Raul Martinez.

 

And that's the only way you can explain a popular warehouse store in Hialeah named ''?o Que Barato.'' The first word in the store's name is half of an all-purpose Spanish curse word. The last two words are ''How Cheap.'' So there is actually a popular store in Hialeah essentially named ``Damn How Cheap.''

 

Which, come to think of it, is a pretty perfect name for the new stadium for your Hialeah Marlins.

 

That's not much of an advertising slogan -- Come see Dontrelle Willis, Miguel Cabrera and Damn How Cheap! -- but at least it would be honest.

 

Another option would be, ''Come to Rick Sanchez Field, where the coffee is a lot stronger than the team!'' For political reasons, we're probably going to have to avoid a domed place known as The Castrodome.

 

SOME GOOD NAMES

 

Listeners of my radio show produced a number of good name possibilities, too many of them involving food.

 

Some nominees: Frijoles Field. Sedanos Stadium. Picadillo y Pastelitos Park. El Cortadito. Samson's House Of Empanadas & Beisbol. La Casa That Pepe Built. Santeria Stadium. Hialeah Park At Your Own Risk. Hialeah Parkie, No Blockie.

 

For those fluent in Hialeah Cubonic, there's also ''Agua, Fango and Factoria Stadium'' (Water, Mud and Factories) or El Tibor (A place where kids urinate outside bathrooms). And my personal favorite delivered in Scarface's best accent: Say Hello To My Little Field!

 

Samson says, in all seriousness, that Hialeah is now South Florida's best hope for keeping this baseball team. You can't make stuff like this up -- Hialeah entrusted with saving major-league baseball for South Florida.

 

And if you thought our baseball team's recent flirtation with Las Vegas, Portland, Ore., and Oklahoma City was merely political posturing to extort public funds, know that these new talks prove in the loudest way possible that the Marlins are indeed in trouble.

 

Never mind the trading away of all those players. That was merely an appetizer.

 

You don't consider making Hialeah your home unless you are a special kind of desperate.

 

:lol :notworthy

Me thinks the Marlins will be here in 2015, but Loria, Samson, & Co. will not be.

Me thinks the Marlins will be here in 2015, but Loria, Samson, & Co. will not be.

 

God knows I hope youre right.

Do they have to be called the ''The Hialeah Marlins'' ??

Do they have to be called the ''The Hialeah Marlins'' ??

 

 

I doubt that will happen. What you'll probably see is the ballpark including the city's name. Example: Burger King Park at Hialeah

Some nominees: Frijoles Field. Sedanos Stadium. Picadillo y Pastelitos Park. El Cortadito. Samson's House Of Empanadas & Beisbol. La Casa That Pepe Built. Santeria Stadium. Hialeah Park At Your Own Risk. Hialeah Parkie, No Blockie.

 

:lol :lol :lol :lol

I hate DLB, but that article was absolutely hysterical :lol .

The Marlins already announced that if they actually strike a deal in Hialeah they would keep the name of the franchise The Florida Marlins.

The Marlins already announced that if they actually strike a deal in Hialeah they would keep the name of the franchise The Florida Marlins.

 

yup, Dade County has kept mum about name changes. I love the reversal.

 

Florida Marlins Baseball....it shall stay

IN MY OPINION

Say this on behalf of Hialeah politicians more competent than their Washington counterparts: When Hialeah lawmakers shoot their friends in the face, it is never, ever an accident.

 

 

that was beautiful and oh so true :lol :notworthy

This must be the worst thing Lebastard has ever written. Its just outtakes of what his callers to the radio show say put together into something that sounds out of its place.

 

If it was written in Spanish or SPanglish maybe it would be funny and not so stupid.

Over the years I've made my peace with Dan and have come to respect his work immensely. I know that in his heart of hearts Dan wants the Marlins to remain in South Florida and be successful.

 

And while I understand Dan was trying to be funny (heck he was funny!) I also wondered out loud whether his parents ever taught him that it wasn't okay to yell "Fire!!!" in a crowded theater?

 

I was more disappointed perhaps with the timing of this (a week or so ago when the Marlins met with Hialeah's mayor would have been more appropriate) as it coincides with the opening of spring training camp.

 

But that's the Herald for you (as I believe the coverage - or more precisely the lack of coverage - is driven by the paper's Sports Editor) and hopefully when Knight-Ridder, one of America's worst newspaper chains which is in a fight for its very existence, is broken up and sold off in pieces, the new owners will have a more even-handed approach to news coverage in every department, including sports.