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Christmas Party Announcement


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: October 01, 2007


RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party

will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private


function room at the Grill House.


There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.


And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts

among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift


should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for


everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family.






FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: October 02, 2007


RE: Holiday Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.


We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides


with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,

from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."


The same policy applies to any other employees who are not

Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.


There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.


We will have other types of music. Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family.






FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: October 03, 2007


RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics

Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm

happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.


How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?


Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since


the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives


believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.







FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


To: All Employees


RE: Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20

begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids


eating and drinking during daylight hours.



There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon


at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal


until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to


take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to

sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will


get the table closest to the restrooms.


Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to


sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there


will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.


To the person asking permission to cross dress, no

cross-dressing allowed though.


We will have booster seats for short people.


Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.


We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for

those people with high blood pressure to taste first.


There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the

restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?







FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All F****** Employees


DATE: October 05, 2007


RE: The F****** Holiday Party


Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep


this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can

sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you

so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic

tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when


you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right


NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


Drive drunk and die,


The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!





FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE: October 06, 2007


RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a

speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the

meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party


and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


Happy Holidays!



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Yenta, you leaving out Festivus offends me deeply.


Sounds like its time to air my grievances.



There are certain choices one must make when designing the invitations. Clearly, if I add Festivus or Winter Solstice, the type will be so small no one will be able to read it.


Thank you for your concern,


Martha Stewart

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