Be honest!!!

 

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround of the ages. The Marlins have made the Wild Card a close and interesting chase. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina from the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Jeff Conine was acquired from the Baltimore Orioles after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial role on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season. The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has showed teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card this whole season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the whole season, there has been 4 teams that have been in the run for the wild card. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

other than using only two verbs and their forms (have and to be) throughout its pretty good...

 

 

put it in active voice and the piece becomes much more vivid and enlightening.

Overall it's really good. Nice opening, except for the cliche ("turnaround of the ages"). Very factual.

 

Das is right - put it in an active voice. It's too passive. I had a communications professor in grad school that would flunk you if you used the word "there" to start a sentence, like "There has been 4 teams that have been in the run for the wild card." You could remove "There has been" and "that" and the sentence is not as passive.

 

The sentences are too similar. All except two start Noun-Verb:

"The Marlins have made"

"The Marlins organization has made"

"They have helped"

"Urbina had"

"Jeff Conine was acquired"

"Conine has"

 

It's too long for one paragraph.

 

The content is very good except you didn't mention McKeon.

 

Did you show it to an English teacher at your school? That's the best place to get feedback. After you get feedback from everyone, you may want to rewrite it just for fun.

i like it but u should make a space in the middle or somethning because i lost my spot reding it like 3xs

you know what I think

 

 

(im his editor btw)

 

its good, but i dont like changing stories all together, so I try to lewave it as unique for him as possible. i edited a couple things including the lead but I see good potential in him, he could very well take my job next year when i move to editor in chief. (hopefully).hes really passionate, so i like that.

 

for his first work, he did a good job, weve gone over this a while and have edited it twice, ill make sure to post the 3rd copy

Michael Ruiz

September

Sports

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround for the ages. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina form the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Aquired after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell, Jeff Conine helps bolster the lineup. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season.

The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card for the majority of the season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the past weeks, their has been 4 teams that have been in the chase for the last playoff birth. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

 

2nd copy

gotta give props to my boy masterchief, hes also in my staff. hes my go to guy, i didint want to leave him out.

 

lol

The sentences are too small, and kinda boring.

Use better transitions.

What grade are you in?

its good, but i dont like changing stories all together

It was a good article but like AJBaseball said i didnt like how he changed the stories together but it was good Overall. Honest.

cut him slack its his 1st piece.he has a long way to go but hell progress through the year.(hes a 10th grader btw)

He wanted it to be honest.

I'm a 10th grader too!

the final article i fixed it up!!!

 

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround for the ages. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina from the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Aquired after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell, Jeff Conine helps bolster the lineup. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial role on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season.

 

 

The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Redman is 11-9 with an earned run average of 3.56. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. Pierre is having a marvelous season batting .303 with 180 hits and an amazing 60 stolen bases. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has shown teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. But the main reason how the Marlins are in contention is the hiring of manager Jack Mckeon. Mckeon has taken a team before that has been struggling to the playoffs. The team he has helped turn around is the Cincinnati Reds. The Marlins are 44-29 since the hiring of Mckeon. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card for the majority of the season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the past weeks, their has been 4 teams that have been in the chase for the last playoff birth. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

the final article i fixed it up!!!

 

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround for the ages. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina from the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Aquired after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell, Jeff Conine helps bolster the lineup. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial role on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season.

 

 

The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Redman is 11-9 with an earned run average of 3.56. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. Pierre is having a marvelous season batting .303 with 180 hits and an amazing 60 stolen bases. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has shown teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. But the main reason how the Marlins are in contention is the hiring of manager Jack Mckeon. Mckeon has taken a team before that has been struggling to the playoffs. The team he has helped turn around is the Cincinnati Reds. The Marlins are 44-29 since the hiring of Mckeon. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card for the majority of the season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the past weeks, their has been 4 teams that have been in the chase for the last playoff birth. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

I know you are limited for space, but I do think you are flowing to quickly from topic to topic. Try and elaborate on a couple things instead of throwing in a bundle of different topics. Always remember to take Quality over Quantity.

Nice.

 

I just joined my newspaper staff today.

 

Don't know when my first article will be in, or what it's about.

The Fish were the laughing stock of the league last year???

I agree with Juanky (above). Looking forward to seeing you focus on a few "current" situations and not try to put the whole season in one long paragraph. Good effort and good for you for asking for advice. (p.s. Who are your readers? Value depends on understanding your audience.)

 

How about an article on Miguel Cabrera and/or Dontrelle Willis? What their high school years were like and how they made it to the big time at very young ages?

Will require some research. But, that's a big part of your "beat" as a sports journalist.

is it really an article if there are no quotes from interviews? Isn't it really just an editorial (unless you are no editor) or a column even? Interview some schoolmates. Find out what they have to say. Interview the manager of the high school baseball team. Interview some players. I would say interview some Marlins....but I wouldn't know how to go about doing that, and I don't know all the laws against using quotes from other papers.

 

btw, When I was in 10th grade, I took a journalism class, and was on the newspaper staff (hated it...found out journalism was not for me).

btw, When I was in 10th grade, I took a journalism class, and was on the newspaper staff (hated it...found out journalism was not for me).

yea, i took journalism too... i wasnt offered a spot on the newspaper...

 

so junior year, i sent in an application again to the school paper, saying that i would only write fantasy football columns once a week, i would only have to attend class once a week, i would automatically receive an A, I was to have my own bottle of water waiting for me when I arrived in class, and once February 1st came around, I was done with the class...

 

needless to say, they never hired me

our paper was crap. It only came out like 4 or 5 times a YEAR. I was forced into writing for the paper (the Journalism class turned into the newspaper staff). Not fun. I did get some funny articles, and did get in some trouble. You wanna know what a good reporter does? Listen to this.

 

I had to do an article on the new music program at my high school. Well, they werent too good. We had an assembly, and they put on a little concert thingy, and it was terrible. Needless to say, I never interviewed the music teacher. Never interviewed someone in the music program. All I did was interview people I knew, and asked them what they thought. lol, I got one quote that said, "It sucked." And yes, I put it in the paper. The teacher didn't care (she was a biatch usually, so I was suprised), but I was the cause of the paper's (The Beeline) first letter to the editor. Some parent wrote a letter saying how the article was horribly biased, and inappropriate, and all this B.S. I thought the letter was hilarious, and gladly put it in the next issue.

I agree with Juanky (above). Looking forward to seeing you focus on a few "current" situations and not try to put the whole season in one long paragraph. Good effort and good for you for asking for advice. (p.s. Who are your readers? Value depends on understanding your audience.)

 

How about an article on Miguel Cabrera and/or Dontrelle Willis? What their high school years were like and how they made it to the big time at very young ages?

Will require some research. But, that's a big part of your "beat" as a sports journalist.

im supposed to do a article on the Florida Marlins not only cabrera and willis!!!

then why is it so boring?

the final article i fixed it up!!!

 

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround for the ages. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina from the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Aquired after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell, Jeff Conine helps bolster the lineup. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial role on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season.

 

 

The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Redman is 11-9 with an earned run average of 3.56. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. Pierre is having a marvelous season batting .303 with 180 hits and an amazing 60 stolen bases. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has shown teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. But the main reason how the Marlins are in contention is the hiring of manager Jack Mckeon. Mckeon has taken a team before that has been struggling to the playoffs. The team he has helped turn around is the Cincinnati Reds. The Marlins are 44-29 since the hiring of Mckeon. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card for the majority of the season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the past weeks, their has been 4 teams that have been in the chase for the last playoff birth. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

I know you are limited for space, but I do think you are flowing to quickly from topic to topic. Try and elaborate on a couple things instead of throwing in a bundle of different topics. Always remember to take Quality over Quantity. i didint assign this story, in fact i was mad they gave it out, because my column will be on this subject somewhat, but he has to speak about the whole p;layoff run, i originally wanted to make him write a school volleyball story.remember hes talking to a baseball ignortant crowd

the final article i fixed it up!!!

 

From the laughingstock of baseball in 2002, to being the headlines on sportscenter every night, the Florida Marlins have made a turnaround for the ages. The Marlins organization has made many transactions to become a playoff contending team. They have helped their bullpen by acquiring relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina from the Texas Rangers. Urbina had 26 saves with an earned run average of 4.19 before joining the Marlins. Aquired after the injury to all star third basemen Mike Lowell, Jeff Conine helps bolster the lineup. Conine has 15 homeruns, 80 runs batted in, and a batting average of .290. Conine looks to make a big impact on the playoff hunt. He played a crucial role on the Marlins 1997 championship team. He had 17 homeruns and 61 runs batted in during the 1997 season.

 

 

The Marlins quietly made offseason moves by trading for Mark Redman of the Detroit Tigers. Redman is 11-9 with an earned run average of 3.56. Centerfielder Juan Pierre was acquired in a trade from the Colorado Rockies. Pierre is having a marvelous season batting .303 with 180 hits and an amazing 60 stolen bases. The Marlins gave up centerfielder Preston Wilson, catcher Charles Johnson, and second basemen Pablo Ozuna. Rookie phenom Dontrelle Willis was brought up from the minors and has shown teams that he is an all star calibur pitcher. Willis is 12-6 with an earned run average of 3.28 and 123 strikeouts in 137 innings pitched this year. Super-Prospect left fielder Miguel Cabrera has given the Marlins an offensive punch with 9 homeruns and 47 runs batted in, in only 69 games played. But the main reason how the Marlins are in contention is the hiring of manager Jack Mckeon. Mckeon has taken a team before that has been struggling to the playoffs. The team he has helped turn around is the Cincinnati Reds. The Marlins are 44-29 since the hiring of Mckeon. These new players have helped them become playoff contenders. The Marlins and the Philadelphia Phillies have been battling for 1st place in the wild card for the majority of the season. Even though the Marlins and Phillies have been on top of the wild card the past weeks, their has been 4 teams that have been in the chase for the last playoff birth. The four teams are the Dodgers, Expos, Diamondbacks, and the Cardinals. The wild card is up for grabs for any team in the National League.

I know you are limited for space, but I do think you are flowing to quickly from topic to topic. Try and elaborate on a couple things instead of throwing in a bundle of different topics. Always remember to take Quality over Quantity. i didint assign this story, in fact i was mad they gave it out, because my column will be on this subject somewhat, but he has to speak about the whole p;layoff run, i originally wanted to make him write a school volleyball story.remember hes talking to a baseball ignortant crowd Yes, I understand this. How about keeping to the biggest stories and developing them more? Too many ideas thrown together without explanation will lose people because attention spans are not too great nowadays.

Yeah, good point Jaunky!

Narrow it down a little more

yea, i took journalism too... i wasnt offered a spot on the newspaper...

 

so junior year, i sent in an application again to the school paper, saying that i would only write fantasy football columns once a week, i would only have to attend class once a week, i would automatically receive an A, I was to have my own bottle of water waiting for me when I arrived in class, and once February 1st came around, I was done with the class...

 

needless to say, they never hired me

:lol