April 24, 200620 yr I wrote this for a school literary magazine and figured I'd post it here, I skipped out on some movies to preserve space. The time has come once again for the summer movie season, we?ve been inundated with trailers for the past six months hyping movie after movie. Of course, hype doesn?t necessarily correlate to a great movie. So, I?ve taken it upon myself to go through a slate of upcoming summer movies and rate which ones will be worth seeing, and which will be appearing in the bargain bin of your local video store, alongside, ?Glitter?, and the entire Hulk Hogan movie catalog. In order to drift the bad from the good, I?ve taken it upon myself to create a new rating system to accurately judge these movies. The star ratings, and A through F ratings, are much like the career?s of ?Saved by the bell? cast member?s, dead and buried. So I?ve invented the system that will be the standard bearer for ratings for years to come... The Facts of Life rating system. It?s very simple, I?ve taken five characters from the show, and have ranked them, the worst characters takes the bottom and represents a movie you should avoid like the plague. The characters at the top, represents a must see movie, whichever characters appears side a movie, represents that movie. Now on to the actual ranking. Pippa Mckenna - The characters of Pippa was introduced towards the end of the facts of life, and represented the end of show. She was the annoying, stereotypical Australian exchange student. How Australian was she? Well she came complete with a crocodile Dundee like Dad who probably in his spare time, played poker with kangaroos and killing aborigines?s. Pippa, of course represents the movies you need to avoid. Natalie - Natalie, was the chubby, ?fun loving?, characters of the show. She often was seen cracking jokes, or eating, or something to that liking. While she was gone, everyone would make fun of her and crack jokes about what a loser she was. Now, you might be saying this isn?t how I remembered it, and you?re right. That was just my imagination, but Natalie usually was just awkward and unfortunate, much like the episode in which she was almost molested by a clown on Halloween, see what I mean? Either way you should avoid a Natalie, movie unless you really want to see it. Blair - Blair was the popular, wealthy, girl of the quartet. She was neither likable, nor contemptible, thus she represents a movie that could either be good or bad. Jo - Jo was the rough, tomboy who was often seen standing up to Blair. She was a well liked characters, for the most part, but like this rating you never knew what you were getting. Were you going to get girl Jo, or boy Jo? Any movie with a Jo rating, is one to be cautiously optimistic about. Tootie - Tootie is the highest rating a movie can get, Tootie was fun, lovable, and always well liked. There was nothing controversial about her, aside from the episode where Tootie was almost strong - armed into prostitution. Tootie, quite simply represents the best in movies. Now onto the actual films... First off we have ?The Da Vinci Code?(May 19th), one of the most anticipated movies of the year. Based on the wildly popular book, it follows Robert Langdon(Tom Hanks), and his investigation of an elderly curator?s death, and of course by now I?m sure everyone knows the rest of the story. I, for one, was not a fan of the book but whatever I say is not going to stop it?s massive fan base from seeing this movie. I do not buy into conspiracy theories, nor do I by into Tom Hank?s hair. Seriously, he?s a sweaty valuer jumpsuit away from being the creepy guy you always see at the movies, or mall. Either way, if you?re a fan of the book, go see it, otherwise stay away. Rating - Natalie Next, their?s the much anticipated ?X-Men - The Last Stand?(May, 26th) . This will be the final part of the so far superb X - Men trilogy, as the mutants battle for the final time, and are faced with a complex question, as there is now a cure for their mutant affliction, and they must now face the question of giving up their powers for acceptance. X3, will also feature the much anticipated debut of Gambit, along with The Beast(Played by Kelsey Grammar). X3 looks sure to please, and should be one of the best movies of the season. - Tootie Nacho Libre(June 2nd) - Jack Black stars in this comedy, which follows Black, as an orphanage janitor, who dreams of becoming a Mexican wrestler. It?s directed by ?Napoleon Dynamite? director by Mike Hess, and judging from the inventive plot, and the fact that it?s Jack Black returning to off beat comedies, it looks sure to please. - Jo Cars(June 9th) - Pixar?s latest movie, is centered around the world of car racing, in which oh yeah, the cars are alive. Any one else find it ironic, that children?s movies plots often sound more like Horror movies? Anyway, I?ve never been a big fan of Pixar, and the fact that it stars Admin The Cable Guy, causes me to shun this movie further - Natalie The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift(June 16th) - Mini - Me drenching himself in Blue Cheese Dressing for 90 minutes would be more entertaining... Wait, that actually would be pretty entertaining. - Pippa Superman Returns(June 30th) - Judging by the title, I assume Superman returns to save this world in this rehashing of the Superman franchise, as Superman(played by newcomer Brandon Routh), returns to battle Lex Luthor(Kevin Spacey), and save his love Lois Lane(Kate Bosworth). While, initially I was excited to see the return of the of man in blue, early indications have been that this movie may very well disappoint, in which case would be a tragedy the world does not need to see. - Blair Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man?s Chest (July 9th) - The First film was an excellent summer movie, great action, excellent and fun plot, and enough comedy to keep you happy. There is no reason the sequel should be any different. - Tootie Miami Vice(July 28th) - When originally announced that Crockett and Tubbs(Collin Farrell and Jamie Foxx) would be returning in a remake of the show, it appeared we?d have a bona fide bomb on our hands. However, after viewing the trailer, and seeing that it would be a modern remake, I can say I legitimately am looking forward to this movie. Of course, there?ll be plenty of Pimps and Coke Dealers being shot, so be sure to bring the kids. - Jo World Trade Center(August 11th) - This Oliver Stone movie follows the pursuits of Will Jimeno and John McLoughlin(Nicholas Cage, and Jude Ciccolella) , two Port Authority fire fighters who rushed into the collapsing World Trade Towers only to be trapped beneath the rubble and their quest to survive. I can not say whether this will be a good movie or not, all I know is it?s a cheap attempt to make money off a national tragedy only four years removed, considering Oliver Stone just recently called Americans unintelligent and unsophisticated following his bomb ?Alexander?, he should be the last man other than one Osama Bin Laden, who should be directing this. - Pippa Clerks II(August 18th) - Now, for a personal favorite. Everyone?s favorite clerks Dante and Randall(Brian O?Halloran, and Jeff Anderson) return for the sequel to the movie that launched the career of Kevin Smith. This follows the two hero?s lives now at 30, and still in the same place they were ten years later. Of course, it?s not just a serious look at life 30, their will be Randall?s hilarious offbeat observances of the world, the seemingly endless array of Jersey?s finest less than intelligent populous, and the return of Jay and Silent Bob(Jason Mewes, and Kevin Smith). There is no reason, for any fan of the first five films to miss the epilogue of the series. - Tootie Snakes on a Plane(August 18th) - Quite possibly the greatest film name in Cinema History, it?s a movie about get this... Snakes on a plane. Ok, their?s a little more than that, there is Samuel L Jackson. Could this not be the greatest movie of all time? Ok, of course it?s going to be cheesy but it?s not ashamed of that, which should make for one enjoyable experience, as long as you?re willing to except this isn?t ?Schindler?s List? - Jo Well, that about does it for this summer, and now that I?ve graced you with my rating system, I send you out to enjoy and judge these movies with my system. Like summers before it, their will be plenty of bombs, hits, and a few gems that flew under the radar, which makes the Summer movie season, so great. You never know what you?re truly in for, and like always.... You take the good, you take the bad, and then you have... the facts of life. P.S. Five minutes after I penned that last sentence I bashed my own head against a wall, for writing such a terrible, and corny, ending so I thought I?d instead leave you with a better conclusion, voiced by a deceased legend... ?If the glove don?t fit, you must acquit?
April 24, 200620 yr The only summer movie on my "must see" list is "Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."
April 24, 200620 yr Author The only summer movie on my "must see" list is "Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby." These are my sons Walker, and Texas Ranger
April 25, 200620 yr Clerks II is going to be awful. The only saving grace will be Rosario Dawson's cleavage. Anyway, this summer I'm looking forward to: Miami Vice Mission: Impossible 3 X-Men: The Last Stand Superman Returns Snakes on a Plane (Greatest. Movie. Evar.) Cars A Scanner Darkly (Just watch the trailer)
April 25, 200620 yr Clerks II is going to be awful. The only saving grace will be Rosario Dawson's cleavage. Anyway, this summer I'm looking forward to: Miami Vice Mission: Impossible 3 X-Men: The Last Stand Superman Returns Snakes on a Plane (Greatest. Movie. Evar.) Cars A Scanner Darkly (Just watch the trailer) Has gotten horrid reviews by those who have seen it in festivals, screenings, etc. Plus it has Keanu Reeves in it.
April 25, 200620 yr I'm seeing Superman Returns, Talladega Nights, MAYBE X-Men. That's it. What a booty summer movie season.
April 25, 200620 yr Clerks II is going to be awful. The only saving grace will be Rosario Dawson's cleavage. Anyway, this summer I'm looking forward to: Miami Vice Mission: Impossible 3 X-Men: The Last Stand Superman Returns Snakes on a Plane (Greatest. Movie. Evar.) Cars A Scanner Darkly (Just watch the trailer) Has gotten horrid reviews by those who have seen it in festivals, screenings, etc. Plus it has Keanu Reeves in it. It has Keanu which is a negative, but the style is just so damn cool. Oh well.
April 25, 200620 yr Movies I'll see: 1. A Scanner Darkly 2. Superman Returns (Only because it's in IMAX) ... Yup...Weak. We have some solid films coming out later on in the year though, The Prestige being the highlight of them, at least so far, for me. That book was fantastic, hoping the movie is just as well done. With Christopher Nolan at the helm, Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman as the leads and Scarlett Johannson as eye candy, I don't see how it can disappoint.
April 25, 200620 yr Clerks II is going to be awful. The only saving grace will be Rosario Dawson's cleavage. Anyway, this summer I'm looking forward to: Miami Vice Mission: Impossible 3 X-Men: The Last Stand Superman Returns Snakes on a Plane (Greatest. Movie. Evar.) Cars A Scanner Darkly (Just watch the trailer) Has gotten horrid reviews by those who have seen it in festivals, screenings, etc. Plus it has Keanu Reeves in it. It has Keanu which is a negative, but the style is just so damn cool. Oh well. I'm not trying to bust your balls, just the general vibe I've gotten from those that had seen it. Robert Downey Jr. apparently is amazing in it (no suprise to me) and one of the few reasons to want to see it. As for what I am looking forward to.... MI: 3 (
April 25, 200620 yr Also, while I'm still rolling, Goya's Ghost and The Departed should also be films to look forward to in the fall, just as The Prestige.
April 25, 200620 yr Miami Vice has me curious, but I'm going in expecting them to sh*t on the series. I'm looking forward to: The Da Vinci Code (I liked the book and Tom Hanks is a very good actor) X-Men (Gambit!) Superman Returns PotC 2 (Though I should probably get around to finally seeing the first one) Miami Vice Snakes on a Plane (omg!) I'll have to check out the A Scanner Darkly trailor
April 25, 200620 yr The Da Vinci Code Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Superman Returns Miami Vice I kinda wanna see MI:III....
April 25, 200620 yr After watching the trailor to A Scanner Darkly, I'll add that one to my list as well. Looks badass. Good call Phyl :thumbup
April 25, 200620 yr Scanner Darkly I will definitely give a shot. Philip K Dick stuff rocks. I can only hope it turns out like Blade Runner & Minority Report.
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